Lightening the mood

Link and I went out with some friends tonight for one of their birthday's to a Karaoke bar. It was HYSTERICAL! We had so much fun. We will be looking forward to doing this again soon.

I forgot my camera (for shame!) - but a friend took a few photos of us being silly on her iphone and emailed them to me (thanks S.!)





And the answer to your next question. . . Cher's "The Shoop Shoop Song (It's in His Kiss)" with Lincoln sitting there on a bar stool while I sang to him/ for him/ about him.

What's Your Take?

Did you miss me yesterday? That's right, I didn't achieve my goal of blogging EVERY day this month. We didn't have internet service for much of the day yesterday. Such is life. . .

Image (of course) from the (amazing) Eric Carle Book Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?

Link and I talked to an adoption facilitator today. It was an interesting conversation. Their average wait time is between 2 and 4 months. We don't pay them unless we are matched and if that match falls through they roll over our payment until we have a successful placement. Sounds good right? Well there is a problem. . .

I am bothered by the fact that their fee schedule is based upon race (highest fee for white babies, and decreasing as the combined skin color of the birth parents darkens.) I understand that this is a result of a very high demand for healthy white infants. That fact also bothers me, although I appreciat that most adoptive couples are white and many simply want a child who looks like they do. I don't want assume that people are racist because they want their child to look like they look, but as hard as I try, I just can't help but attribute at least some of that to racism. . . the best I can do is hope that it only accounts for a very small percentage of that gap in demand.

Link and I are open to all races.* We are all too aware of the potential (likely) difficulties that bi-racial families can face, and we feel that we are prepared to face those challenges. However, I can't fault someone for being honest enough to say, "no, we don't feel like we are capable of handling those issues in a constructive way."
(*except Native American, simply because neither of us is Native American and we can't afford the additional legal fees associated with a likely ICWA mess)

Would it bother us if we ended up paying a lot less money for a black or bi-racial child? I don't know. It would be nice to be able to afford to adopt again sooner because the first adoption wasn't so financially demanding. Would we feel bad if we adopted a white baby and then could not afford to adopt any more children because of the cost?*
* Not taking fee-free adoptions into account, but that is a topic for another time (another time in the near future.)

I know this can be a very emotional topic, so let's all mind our manners, but I would like to ask all of you what you think. . . (feel free to answer any of the following questions or just jump in with your own views.)

• Should agencies and facilitators charge the same for the adoption of a black or bi-racial baby as they do for the adoption of a white baby?
• What about the problem that many agencies with an equal fee schedule face of not being able to find adoptive families for some of their darker skinned babies?
• How do you all feel about the unequal demand for white babies over all other races? Do you think it is fair, right, appropriate for white families to prefer to adopt white children?
• What about the lack of Black, bi-racial, Hispanic, Native American, etc. families who want to adopt. . . is it simply a symptom of a social-economic divide or is it something else?
• Do you think lower fees to adopt darker skinned children might attract more families of the same race?

Avoiding Scams

Lincoln and I do a lot of "finding." I have shared some of the things that we do with you, and will be sharing others.

We have been officially "waiting" for 10.5 months. In that time we have been matched 4 times, we have been the target of a scam at least 4 times (more actually, but some are so obvious that they don't warrant anything more than the click of my delete button in my email or the erase button on my phone. Those I don't count.) We have also been contacted by at least 5-6 other expectant parents who are considering adoption, but haven't made up their minds yet. We've talked on the phone to many expectant parents, we met one for lunch to answer questions about adoption. . . we haven't yet been successful, but it hasn't been for lack of activity.

If you are going to be proactive in finding, you are going to attract scammers. Why do people do this? Sometimes they are hoping to con you out of money. Some of them are simply looking for attention. All of them are sick. Here are the things that we have learned about weeding out scammers and dealing emotionally with the constant up and down.

A. The first thing we do is consult this very helpful article written by ABC Adoptions. If any of these things come up, we take additional measures to investigate the situation.

1. Usually the motivation for birthmother scams are to take your money. She needs money for rent, food, etc. Only give money to a birthmother-to-be through an attorney or qualified adoption professional. The amount limits and circumstances vary by state law. Do not give money directly to a birthmother.

2. If the birthmother is not available by phone and wants to call you because of an on going situation, beware! You should have a contact number and complete physical address that you can verify.

3. A birthmother may not even be pregnant or could be pregnant and has other plans for the baby, including keeping the baby or promising the baby to several waiting adoptive parents. Look for those signs.

4. The birthmother has at least one or more crisis in her life and you are part of the solution. This can include sad stories such as rape and incest. Be sensitive, but do not be drawn into the whole situation.

5. The birthmother offers a plan to bring the baby to you. Birthmothers usually want you to meet her and arrange to receive the baby at the hospital. This ploy is used to get a plane ticket which can be cashed in later. Do not give anyone a plane ticket. Many adopting parents have lost money by purchasing a plane ticket and never hearing from the, supposed, birthmother again

5. To have a match, you must meet face to face with the expectant mother. Big flag, the birthmother flakes out. She misses scheduled meetings with you or other professionals. Even with an unbelievable story she can be very convincing.

6. Proof or pregnancy or other documents are agreed upon, but never seem to arrive. She seems to always have a reason for not sending you identifying information or cannot believe that you have not received the information. A sudden miscarriage or hospitalization can happen when you request for too much information.

7. The birthmother does not want you to contact anyone else concerning her pregnancy. She does not feel comfortable meeting or talking with an attorney or other adoption professional. When pressed, she might accuse you of not trusting her and can even get angry.

8. The birthmother will not give you, but will get you the name of her doctor or clinic where she is receiving medical attention.

9. The birthmother will evade certain details regarding medical attention, signing parental rights, contacting social services or adoption professionals.

10. The birthmother changes her story about the pregnancy or her situation. If a birthmother is talking to several adoptive parents, her story can change because she cannot remember what she said to you.

11. Be careful if the birthmother is expecting twins. This is a popular situation with an adoption scam. In the natural course, ask for proof of pregnancy and how are you able to contact her doctor.

12. A favorite ploy is for someone to fix you up with a friend. That person might pose as an adoptive parent and not an adoption professional. Be careful that the friend is not the same person. If both have the same IP address watch out!

13. Fake birthmothers are very willing to match quickly and will say you are perfect, without knowing much about you. They are going to send you pictures and other thing, but never do.

14. They have always had complications with the pregnancy.....they usually claim when you cannot find them that they were at the emergency room.

15. The birthmother does not like or want to deal with an attorney or other adoption professional. She has had a bad experience with an attorney and does not want to work with them again.

16. The truth of the matter is that you need to get down to adoption business. Small talk is necessary, but keep it in prospective. The phone meetings are to establish if you are suited for a "match" and if yes, then both parties need to get the necessary paper work in order.

B. The next thing we always do is to do an internet search for their name and email address. We have discovered two very legitimate sounding contacts were scams this way.

C. We then search the Yahoo Group "Adoption Scams" for the potential birth parent's name and email address.

D. We also always ask them to look at our adoption blog. We keep detailed statistics on who visits our blog. We always ask them where they are from, and verify that someone from that city viewed our blog between our first and second conversations.

Some of the other "further actions" we have taken are:

• had a background check run on a prospective b-parent (it was scary.)
• hired an attorney in the expectant parent's state to determine if she was legitimate.
• asked expectant parents to meet with a caseworker in their state to verify pregnancy and asked them to allow the case worker to talk with prospective birth mom's doctor. (She told us she was expecting twins, she wasn't.)

E. Above all, trust your instincts. If something sounds off to you, it probably is.

There are several other places that you can become educated about potential adoption scams and what to look for.

• There is an Adoption Voices Group called "How to Avoid Being Scammed" that may be helpful to check.
• AdoptionScams.net is another place that you can search and become educated.

The EMOTIONAL ASPECT of vetting out the potential birth parents who contact you can really take a tole. It gets easier the more that you do it, that is because you get better at determining what sounds strange and what sounds real.

Link and I have come up with a good cop, bad cop routine that has helped us a lot. He assumes that anyone that contacts us is a scammer. I assume that anyone (within reason- anyone from South Africa is OUT) is a real expectant parent and we proceed from there. Lincoln checking me to make sure I do not get too emotional and I checking him to make sure he doesn't damage the potential relationship.

It is hard, and while it gets easier, my heart STILL leaps when I open my email box to find an email that could potentially be THAT email, or get a text message or a phone call. . . Even though none of them have ultimately been THE MESSAGE that will eventually lead us to our new family member, four of them have been close, and two of them have been very very close.

This has kept me from giving up, from just throwing in the towel and saying, "forget it, there are nothing but crazies out here." FAITH and TRUST IN GOD are the main weapons in combating adoption fatigue. You will still have doubt (I know I do) but "Perfect LOVE casteth out fear" (1 John 4:18) and the love Link and I have for our future children may not yet be perfect but it is fierce. It is certainly strong enough to look that fear in the face and say,

YOU WILL NOT DETER US!

I would also like to add that hopeful adoptive parents are not the only ones who are at risk of being the victims of adoption scams. Potential birth parents are also face some risk of matching with unethical adoptive parents. That, however, is an entire different post. You can read more about the warning signs of that kind of adoption scam in the Adoption ABC article I mentioned above.

Triad Tangents - Book Review: Sam's SIster

We always talk about the adoption triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. It forms a strong and powerful picture in our minds.



The reality, however, is that there are many many other people who have an interest in any adoption.



And this only shows the immediate families of each member of the triad, this does not include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. There are so many people who's lives and hearts will be affected by an adoption. I hope that each of them recognizes it as the miracle that it is. However, it also means a loss for many of those loved ones. One group of people, in particular, that will forever be affected are the older or future children of the birth parents.

This is a book for those sweet little children to whom adoption must seem terribly confusing. As Rosa's Mommy helps her to understand her brother's adoption, she is less confused and discovers happiness in being Sam's Sister.

*BE PREPARED TO CRY*

Sam's Sister
by Juliet C. Bond
Illustrated by Dawn. W. Majewski




This book is perfectly written and beautifully illustrated. Here is a brief synopsis of this heart breaking and heart warming book.

The story is told by Rosa

"When I was five, something very special happened. . ."

Rosa was worried about her Mommy, she was not acting like herself. Rosa asked her Mommy what is wrong, and her mommy told her what she had been so worried about. There was a new baby growing in her tummy. She explained to Rosa that they could not take care of this new baby, she told her about all of the things a new baby needs and how they could not get any of those things.

Rosa's Mommy told her about a family who want a baby to love.

"Will they take me too?" Rosa askes
"No way, Jose'" was Mommy's reply. She hugged her tight and reassured her.

"Do you love the baby in your tummy?"
"Yes, we will love him, too. He just won't live with us."

Rosa had a lot of questions to ask her Mommy as her tummy grew bigger. Her Mommy answered each question and helped her understand. She went with her mommy to meet the baby's new mommy and daddy. They gave her a blank coloring book so that she could color pictures and write stories for her little brother.

When it was time for the baby to come. Rosa stayed with her aunt and in the morning went to the hospital. The baby's name was Sam. Rosa was very excited to meet him and to help her Mommy choose a middle name for Sam.

Later Rosa went home with her Mommy and Sam went home with his new mommy and daddy. When they got home, Rosa and her Mommy read a letter Sam's new parents had written to them promising to take such good care of Sam.

Sometimes Rosa cried or had nightmares about missing Sam. Her Mommy was sad sometimes too, even though they knew that Sam's new mommy and daddy loved him very much. They talked to a counselor about their sad feelings.

Sam's new mommy and daddy also called them every week and sent pictures of him. He and Rosa had the same favorite song. Rosa and her Mommy went to visit Sam and she was happy that he laughed when she sang them their favorite song.

At the end of the book are the words, both in Spanish and English, to Rosa and Sam's favorite song.

I cried big alligator tears when I read this. Not only was Rosa's Mommy very brave, so was Rosa.

Juliet Bond is a counselor with a well respected adoption agency in Illinois. In her research, she found that as many as 60% of birth parents have a child they are parenting at the time of placement. She wanted to give those parents a tool to help their children deal with the grief and loss of having a sibling adopted. She wanted this book to provide comfort and peace to the birth families who are making such an important life decision.

Thank you Juliet for writing such a beautiful and powerful book.

Hi Friends, I am still trying to recover from this cold, which seems to be getting worse, not the other way around. I am told this may have something to do with my inability to rest and let my immune system have the extra energy it needs to work its magic. (lame)

So instead of my intended post, go ahead and enjoy the entertainment my adorable boy and sweet husband provided me with this evening as I "rested" on my couch.

Get Out There

I know it's not Friday, but I was busy spending quality time with my girlfriends yesterday. . . :)

All of us have our online profiles up with our agency or lawyer. Many of us also have blogs, websites, and/or facebook pages. A few of us also have an additional profile up on ParentProfiles.com.

Now think of all the zillions of websites out there, even just adoption related sites. (Google turns up 88,700,000 sites for the word "adoption".) These poor birth mothers are searching for the "perfect" family for their child in a digital haystack. Now of course most of us believe that God is directing their search, but we can help make that search for us a little easier by increasing the number of places that they can find us.

It is true that increasing our presence on the web can get expensive. There are a few places, however, that offer free or low priced profiles for hopeful adoptive parents. Here are a few that I think I will utilize, please tell us if you know of any others.



My Adoption Profile

Parent Gallery

these are not free but low cost

Potential Parents

Adoptions Open

Seek out Support

Tonight I spent the evening knitting, talking, and generally being uplifted by four of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure to know. I truly have incredible friends.

What does this have to do with adoption, you ask?

You may be able to get through the intense emotional roller coaster of adoption on your own, but you will come through it stronger, happier, and more grateful for the journey if you surround yourself with friends who cheer with you, mourn with you, pray for you, and give you the opportunity to do the same for them.

Adoption requires you to open up your heart. It isn't always easy, it leaves you vulnerable, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Practice on your friends. . . and the blessings that follow will astound you.

Book Review Repost

OK friends, I am super tired and don't have the brain power tonight for anything worth reading, so I'm reaching back a year into the archives and pulling out my very first adoption book review. It was a helpful book for me when we first embarked on our adoption journey. I would recommend it to anyone considering adoption.


The Adoption Decision - 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Laura Christianson


This book review will come with a disclaimer that this is the first adoption book I have read, so keep that in mind.

This is a Christian centered book. Christianson refers to it as a:

"how to for the heart"- a guide through the critical heart issues you'll encounter during the adoption process and after you bring home your child. (p. 10)

She starts out with a glossary of adoption terms, something I thought was a great idea, but would have liked to be more extensive.

The first chapter is a guide to communicating with the people around you (friends, family, obnoxious busy bodies) as you begin your adoption journey. She has some excellent suggestions on how to handle a variety of responses and questions that you are likely to field.

Next she deals with the emotions and reactions that both you and others will have once your child arrives home. This was one my my favorite chapters, as I find Chrsitanson's dry reactions to some astonishing comments about her children, very fitting.

I've been married to the same man for 25 years and I can attest that biologically unrelated people possess the capacity to bond.

The most valuable part of the book for me personally was chapter 4, A Labor of Love. I appreciated the Christianson's candor about the home study, about the personal questions you will be asked and expected to answer, and the emotions you will encounter as you qualify the special needs you may or may not be willing to accept in your child.

Other chapter's include dealing with the emotional aspects of infertility (and the insensitivity you may encounter,) a personal perspective on meeting birth parents, and overcoming the trauma of failed placements. She also covers international adoption, adopting children of a different ethnicity than your own, and gives a look into the lives and coping mechanisms of families whose children have severe developmental, emotional, or behavioral challenges.

Throughout the book Christianson gives examples of her topic from the Bible and reminds us of the continual support and love of our Father in Heaven. Some may find this aspect of the book distracting, but she effectively positions these portions of her book in such a way that, if desired, they can be skimmed over without missing any of the information in the chapter.

Again, this is the first adoption related book I have read, so my experience is very limited, however, I found this book useful, uplifting, and a welcome look into the more personal and emotional aspects of adoption that I have been concerned about.

Thank you Laura for a valuable book.

(this review was originally posted at fsawa.blogspot.com on August 29, 2008)

Word Bird Winner

I know you were all waiting with baited breath to hear WHO the winner of the WORD BIRD from Birth Mother Baskets is. . . oh, you mean you all have lives and haven't been sitting there hitting "refresh" every 20 seconds all day. Well, good that actually makes me feel better about not getting to it until tonight. (I was busy too today, doing very lame grown up things like buying life insurance and less lame grown up things like getting our family photos taken.)



This is the lovely winner of the adorable {word bird}. Layla, who blogs at The Grass is Greener and recently took a trip to Europe that has left me a little green with envy. (beautiful photography!)

A good friend of mine lost a child to still birth and wasn't able to get pregnant again. It caused a lot of heartach and pain for her. In the past year she has adopted a little boy and her life seems more complete. She is much happier and it is all thanks to a young birth mother.

Thanks for your comment, Layla!

View From the Center

You all thought I wasn't going to post my promised fabulous post today, didn't you. Ah, well, I am getting in just under the wire!

It is my pleasure to introduce you to my dear friend Tabitha. Tabitha was in the room of new mothers the day I first (in a very messy and emotional manner) publicly faced the fact that I would never bare another child, and confessed my anxiety about our planned course of adoption. I didn't know Tabitha then, but I believe that angles arranged for the two of us to be there that day. She approached me after the new moms' group and offered her support, as a nurse who understood the medical trauma I had been through, as a friend, and as a woman who had been adopted as an infant.

Tabitha has been a source of constant support and encouragement to me through our adoption journey. I am so grateful for her friendship. I am honored that she has agreed to share her adoption story with us as part of our National Adoption Awareness Celebration.


Tabitha, her husband Thom, and their beautiful daughter.

My Adoption Story

After waiting for months and months (thirteen to be exact) my mother decided to call the case worker at Children’s Home Society, again. “Oh my goodness, didn’t my secretary call you?” was the response my mom got. “There is a baby girl for you.” They came to see me the next day. They say I didn’t cry; I just looked at them. My dad drove 20-miles an hour the whole way home.

One of my favorite parts of the story is when my folks were in a pre-adoption class with a dozen or so other prospective parents and the leader was asking the parents how they would “handle the problem" of telling their child they were adopted. Everyone went took a turn to discuss strategies. My folks were the last ones to answer the question. My dad, who apparently never spoke in class, answered this question with a simple question, "What problem?" My dad brags that they were the first from that group to have a child placed with them.

My parents told my adoption story with the same reverence that other parents tell birth stories. They created such an overwhelming sense of normalcy surrounding my adoption that I never even questioned that it could be different. Why would it? It is a part of who I am.

I was five-weeks old when I was placed because I was born with hip dysplasia, a condition which required me to be in a brace for my first three months. Because things were done differently back then, I was in the hospital for four weeks, and then one week with a foster parent before my mom made the check in phone call to the case worker.

They had to wait 6-months before the adoption was final. My mom says it was the most difficult time in her life. Mom says she was on pins and needles feeling like I could be snatched away at anytime, once the papers were signed and official, she said she could finally breathe again.

My favorite story growing up was, “The Chosen Baby” by Valentina Pavlovna Wasson, published in 1950. It is incredibly dated and over simplistic, but I loved it so much I later shamelessly plagiarized it for a high school literary project.

I never had that rebellious "I'm going to go find my REAL parents" fight with my folks because they WERE my real parents. Not to say that I didn't have some raging arguments with my parents, but I was so secure in my place in our family, the thought didn't occur to me. To this day, especially now that I have my own daughter, I truly don't feel like I am any less attached to my mom and dad than my daughter is attached to my husband and me.

A question that always comes up is if I have ever found my birth-parents. I have not. For the classic 1970's "closed" adoption I am fortunate to know a bit about my birth-parents. Birth mom was 19, birth dad was 17. I know a little medical history, ethnicity, and social interests. It isn’t much more than a 4-5 page questionnaire but it makes be believe that both my birth parents were involved in the adoption. I was raised with the knowledge that my birth parents wanted to do what they felt was best for me. I never felt “given away” or rejected. I know in my heart that theirs was the most thoughtful of decisions. They didn’t get to choose who would parent me, they put their faith in a system and it worked. My parents weren’t rich, in fact there were times we were quite poor when I was growing up. But that didn’t matter; I grew up with the right parents. And, the children who created me, lets face it, 17 & 19 really are still children, were able to grow up and live there own lives.

I am curious, especially for a more detailed medical history and to know if I might have any half-siblings out there (I am an only child), but I haven't actively sought them out. I would take that sort of relationship very seriously and once that door is opened it cannot be closed again. There are times, I feel like I have this nice little story in my head, a story I am happy and comfortable with, one from which no good would come if it were torn to shreds. There are times, I feel like I have so little time for my existing family that to embark on a search and possibly develop a new relationship would take more emotional fortitude than I can muster. I also know that no one has tried to seek me out either. I was born in the same city near where I was raised and where I currently live, so the search itself probably wouldn't be that hard. I may open that door someday, but not right now.

Right now, I am focusing on my family, living my life, knowing that adoption is part of who I am and who I will always be.