National Adoption Awareness Month

There are times when my experiences with adoption have been heart breaking. However, there are two reasons that I always am and always will be incredibly grateful for adoption. . .

I am enjoying my Thanksgiving visit with these two wonderful people and their equally adorable brother.

Thank you all for joining me for celebrating adoption with me this month. I look forward to continuing this celebration with all of you throughout the coming year.

A Hopeful Adoptive Dad's Perspective on Waiting

I am so happy to introduce you all to my very favorite person in the world, my amazing husband Lincoln, who is my guest blogger today. He is here to give all of you a glimpse into the mind of a typically very internet shy creature, the hopeful adoptive dad.

Today was a great example of what we do while we are waiting to bring our next child. We enjoy ours. So, finding ourselves in Dallas we went to the DWA (Dallas World Aquarium).



Nothing like a family drive to start the day. It gives us time to chat and get on the same page.



Spending time with our extended family provides us with easy going chatter and a pleasant way to recharge.



On our path of adoption we sometimes think we see something bright and beautiful and...



and sometimes it IS.



While we enjoyed the day it always felt like something was watching us.



At an aquarium who would guess that it was a iridescent turkey. This guy wasn't going to let us out of his sight.

So, while our road of adoption has be bumpy it's days like these that remind us why we want to adopt in the first place.

How Can I Help a Foster Child?

Sorry you didn't hear from my yesterday. We actually had our Thanksgiving today, as we were traveling on Thursday. I didn't have internet access for pretty much the entire day. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. On Sunday I will be sharing with you a special post about two reasons that I am very thankful for adoption.



Today I would like to post about some things that you and I can do to make a world of difference in the life of one (or more) of our countries most vulnerable children.

There are many ways that you can help a foster child. . .

1. Of course the thing that these children need the very most is a permanent home and family or at least a more permanent home and family. I hope that all of us are periodically evaluating our family situations to determine if we are in a position to be a foster parent or to add to our family through the miracle of foster-adoption.

However, I realize that many of us are not currently in the position to do either of these things, but there are other things that we can do to help a foster child.

2. Become a Mentor for a foster child. Foster children with a mentor miss fewer days of school, are more likely to go to college, and are less likely to abuse alcohol or other substances. You can find out more about becoming a mentor at mentoring.org or about become a virtual mentor at vmentor.com.

3. Become a CASA. A Court Appointed Special Advocate is a volunteer, specially trained, and willing to engage themselves in the case of one abused or neglected child to make recommendations to the court to help ensure that the system does not fail to find a safe and loving home for this child. Learn more about becoming a CASA.

4. Become a respite care provider. Foster parents need a break just as much or even more than every other parent, and yet there are legal restrictions on who they can turn to help with their children. Become a respite provider to help current foster parents from getting burned out or frustrated, and helping children remain in a single foster home for a longer period of time. Call your state Department of Social and Human Services to find out about become a respite provider.

5. Volunteer at a local foster care agency. We all know about the overwhelming caseloads that most social workers face. Find a foster care agency in your area, call them, find out if they could use and extra pair of hands.

--
http://209.59.152.208/help/ for more info

Are You Ready to be a Christmas Present to Samuel?

I subscribe to Deborah Mumm's Adoption Highway e-mail newsletter. Today when I opened my email I had an email from her concerning a little boy who needs a family desperately. She had been contacted by Stephanie who is the adoptive mother of seven wonderful children, and getting ready to add 3 more. This is what Stephanie wrote and asked any who were willing to pass it along. I hope that someone is reading this who recognizes these few words about a sweet little boy are written about their child.

"Samuel needs a home & FAST"....

Hello all. This little one doesn't have much time left if something is not done. I'll cut to the chase. The agency I use has asked me to help them find a home for a little 6yo boy whose time is running short in life. See, Samuel also resides in the same area as one of our children (not saying whether it is present or future children as to not to disclose location). I will however, give you the location if you contact me privately as to what country it is. Samuel is a wonderful kid. Actually, so great in fact that we had truly considered adding him to our family first! He is well behaved, cute as can be, sweet personality. Growing pretty well.
Medically, Samuel does have a shunt. However, this does not slow him down nor cause him problems. I do know someone that can tell you more about a shunt as she has a son w/ one. She said many people are scared of them but really not necessary to be. Her son also gets along just fine. I have seen Samuel in action on video. I would not hesitate adding him to our family. He is said to be a little developmentally slow but this is very typical of a child in an institution. Remember, Nik came home to us at an 18 month level when he was 4yo. He was also considered slow and retarded. He caught up w/in the year and is now very gifted academically. So, you just never know. The fees for this little boy have been reduced lower than I have ever seen in a long time. VERY reasonable for an adoption as they are truly just concerned of his well being at this time. He is scheduled to be moved to an institution in mid-December if they don't have a family commit to him soon. This would truly be
tragic to waste his life. He has unlimited potential and just seems like such a sweetheart. This is very hard for me b/c I do feel connected to him and am not ready for him to be sent to an institution. I know his forever family has to be reading this.
If you can't be his family, at least spread the word about him to everyone you know. This institution has some very aggressive and very bad kids in it. He is suspected not to survive long there if he goes. Would be a tradgedy for sure. Please help to rescue Samuel and save his life. This is not just another orphan needing a home. Many will overlook Samuel b/c they consider him very special needs. I have adopted many children at this very age he is. They are great, adjust fairly easily. Help me get the word out about this wonderful little boy that needs a helping hand from across the ocean. I can not tell you what it would mean to me for us to be able to find him a home in less than two weeks. I know we can do it if we try. Spread the word on facebook , on your blogs, to your friends, whereever & whoever you can. It will make a difference and will indeed save a life. I know things would most likely be expedited in this adoption case. It would be a whirlwind for a family as the
y are really trying to get him out soon.
Write me privately at boydbunch@gmail.com for more details of fees and country location. I am not allowed to share the photos online in a public place. That would be something the agency would do. THere are some kids that just touch you. This one surely has. I've advocated in general in the past & on occassion some specific kids. Samuel is one special kid that truly deserves a shot at a real family. Please make this Holiday Miracle come true for him. Again, this is VERY hard for me as I know where he is. I know what is to come if things are not lined up before December 20th. Have anyone interested write me privately. Sorry I am not allowed to release but a certain amount of info. We must find him a home. Please help. It doesn't cost a dime to spread the word about an orphan in need of a family.
Btw, the fees associated w/ him are very minimal and extremely reasonable. Thanks for taking the time to read this and more than that, spread the word. We're running out of time. Samuel is running out of time. We can save his life this Christmas, we truly can if we work together.

Our New Physical Profile

I updated our physical profile this weekend. It isn't 100% done, I want to add two more pages, but this is what went to LDSFS this morning, as this is what I was able to get done. I like it quite a bit.

Click on each page to view it full size, down load it, print it, share it, love it. . . :)









I am especially happy with what I decided to do for the last page. It is a word cloud of our Dear Birth Parent letter. Here it is big enough to see it.



VBDBKXZK9Z5P

Lightening the mood

Link and I went out with some friends tonight for one of their birthday's to a Karaoke bar. It was HYSTERICAL! We had so much fun. We will be looking forward to doing this again soon.

I forgot my camera (for shame!) - but a friend took a few photos of us being silly on her iphone and emailed them to me (thanks S.!)





And the answer to your next question. . . Cher's "The Shoop Shoop Song (It's in His Kiss)" with Lincoln sitting there on a bar stool while I sang to him/ for him/ about him.

What's Your Take?

Did you miss me yesterday? That's right, I didn't achieve my goal of blogging EVERY day this month. We didn't have internet service for much of the day yesterday. Such is life. . .

Image (of course) from the (amazing) Eric Carle Book Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?

Link and I talked to an adoption facilitator today. It was an interesting conversation. Their average wait time is between 2 and 4 months. We don't pay them unless we are matched and if that match falls through they roll over our payment until we have a successful placement. Sounds good right? Well there is a problem. . .

I am bothered by the fact that their fee schedule is based upon race (highest fee for white babies, and decreasing as the combined skin color of the birth parents darkens.) I understand that this is a result of a very high demand for healthy white infants. That fact also bothers me, although I appreciat that most adoptive couples are white and many simply want a child who looks like they do. I don't want assume that people are racist because they want their child to look like they look, but as hard as I try, I just can't help but attribute at least some of that to racism. . . the best I can do is hope that it only accounts for a very small percentage of that gap in demand.

Link and I are open to all races.* We are all too aware of the potential (likely) difficulties that bi-racial families can face, and we feel that we are prepared to face those challenges. However, I can't fault someone for being honest enough to say, "no, we don't feel like we are capable of handling those issues in a constructive way."
(*except Native American, simply because neither of us is Native American and we can't afford the additional legal fees associated with a likely ICWA mess)

Would it bother us if we ended up paying a lot less money for a black or bi-racial child? I don't know. It would be nice to be able to afford to adopt again sooner because the first adoption wasn't so financially demanding. Would we feel bad if we adopted a white baby and then could not afford to adopt any more children because of the cost?*
* Not taking fee-free adoptions into account, but that is a topic for another time (another time in the near future.)

I know this can be a very emotional topic, so let's all mind our manners, but I would like to ask all of you what you think. . . (feel free to answer any of the following questions or just jump in with your own views.)

• Should agencies and facilitators charge the same for the adoption of a black or bi-racial baby as they do for the adoption of a white baby?
• What about the problem that many agencies with an equal fee schedule face of not being able to find adoptive families for some of their darker skinned babies?
• How do you all feel about the unequal demand for white babies over all other races? Do you think it is fair, right, appropriate for white families to prefer to adopt white children?
• What about the lack of Black, bi-racial, Hispanic, Native American, etc. families who want to adopt. . . is it simply a symptom of a social-economic divide or is it something else?
• Do you think lower fees to adopt darker skinned children might attract more families of the same race?

Avoiding Scams

Lincoln and I do a lot of "finding." I have shared some of the things that we do with you, and will be sharing others.

We have been officially "waiting" for 10.5 months. In that time we have been matched 4 times, we have been the target of a scam at least 4 times (more actually, but some are so obvious that they don't warrant anything more than the click of my delete button in my email or the erase button on my phone. Those I don't count.) We have also been contacted by at least 5-6 other expectant parents who are considering adoption, but haven't made up their minds yet. We've talked on the phone to many expectant parents, we met one for lunch to answer questions about adoption. . . we haven't yet been successful, but it hasn't been for lack of activity.

If you are going to be proactive in finding, you are going to attract scammers. Why do people do this? Sometimes they are hoping to con you out of money. Some of them are simply looking for attention. All of them are sick. Here are the things that we have learned about weeding out scammers and dealing emotionally with the constant up and down.

A. The first thing we do is consult this very helpful article written by ABC Adoptions. If any of these things come up, we take additional measures to investigate the situation.

1. Usually the motivation for birthmother scams are to take your money. She needs money for rent, food, etc. Only give money to a birthmother-to-be through an attorney or qualified adoption professional. The amount limits and circumstances vary by state law. Do not give money directly to a birthmother.

2. If the birthmother is not available by phone and wants to call you because of an on going situation, beware! You should have a contact number and complete physical address that you can verify.

3. A birthmother may not even be pregnant or could be pregnant and has other plans for the baby, including keeping the baby or promising the baby to several waiting adoptive parents. Look for those signs.

4. The birthmother has at least one or more crisis in her life and you are part of the solution. This can include sad stories such as rape and incest. Be sensitive, but do not be drawn into the whole situation.

5. The birthmother offers a plan to bring the baby to you. Birthmothers usually want you to meet her and arrange to receive the baby at the hospital. This ploy is used to get a plane ticket which can be cashed in later. Do not give anyone a plane ticket. Many adopting parents have lost money by purchasing a plane ticket and never hearing from the, supposed, birthmother again

5. To have a match, you must meet face to face with the expectant mother. Big flag, the birthmother flakes out. She misses scheduled meetings with you or other professionals. Even with an unbelievable story she can be very convincing.

6. Proof or pregnancy or other documents are agreed upon, but never seem to arrive. She seems to always have a reason for not sending you identifying information or cannot believe that you have not received the information. A sudden miscarriage or hospitalization can happen when you request for too much information.

7. The birthmother does not want you to contact anyone else concerning her pregnancy. She does not feel comfortable meeting or talking with an attorney or other adoption professional. When pressed, she might accuse you of not trusting her and can even get angry.

8. The birthmother will not give you, but will get you the name of her doctor or clinic where she is receiving medical attention.

9. The birthmother will evade certain details regarding medical attention, signing parental rights, contacting social services or adoption professionals.

10. The birthmother changes her story about the pregnancy or her situation. If a birthmother is talking to several adoptive parents, her story can change because she cannot remember what she said to you.

11. Be careful if the birthmother is expecting twins. This is a popular situation with an adoption scam. In the natural course, ask for proof of pregnancy and how are you able to contact her doctor.

12. A favorite ploy is for someone to fix you up with a friend. That person might pose as an adoptive parent and not an adoption professional. Be careful that the friend is not the same person. If both have the same IP address watch out!

13. Fake birthmothers are very willing to match quickly and will say you are perfect, without knowing much about you. They are going to send you pictures and other thing, but never do.

14. They have always had complications with the pregnancy.....they usually claim when you cannot find them that they were at the emergency room.

15. The birthmother does not like or want to deal with an attorney or other adoption professional. She has had a bad experience with an attorney and does not want to work with them again.

16. The truth of the matter is that you need to get down to adoption business. Small talk is necessary, but keep it in prospective. The phone meetings are to establish if you are suited for a "match" and if yes, then both parties need to get the necessary paper work in order.

B. The next thing we always do is to do an internet search for their name and email address. We have discovered two very legitimate sounding contacts were scams this way.

C. We then search the Yahoo Group "Adoption Scams" for the potential birth parent's name and email address.

D. We also always ask them to look at our adoption blog. We keep detailed statistics on who visits our blog. We always ask them where they are from, and verify that someone from that city viewed our blog between our first and second conversations.

Some of the other "further actions" we have taken are:

• had a background check run on a prospective b-parent (it was scary.)
• hired an attorney in the expectant parent's state to determine if she was legitimate.
• asked expectant parents to meet with a caseworker in their state to verify pregnancy and asked them to allow the case worker to talk with prospective birth mom's doctor. (She told us she was expecting twins, she wasn't.)

E. Above all, trust your instincts. If something sounds off to you, it probably is.

There are several other places that you can become educated about potential adoption scams and what to look for.

• There is an Adoption Voices Group called "How to Avoid Being Scammed" that may be helpful to check.
• AdoptionScams.net is another place that you can search and become educated.

The EMOTIONAL ASPECT of vetting out the potential birth parents who contact you can really take a tole. It gets easier the more that you do it, that is because you get better at determining what sounds strange and what sounds real.

Link and I have come up with a good cop, bad cop routine that has helped us a lot. He assumes that anyone that contacts us is a scammer. I assume that anyone (within reason- anyone from South Africa is OUT) is a real expectant parent and we proceed from there. Lincoln checking me to make sure I do not get too emotional and I checking him to make sure he doesn't damage the potential relationship.

It is hard, and while it gets easier, my heart STILL leaps when I open my email box to find an email that could potentially be THAT email, or get a text message or a phone call. . . Even though none of them have ultimately been THE MESSAGE that will eventually lead us to our new family member, four of them have been close, and two of them have been very very close.

This has kept me from giving up, from just throwing in the towel and saying, "forget it, there are nothing but crazies out here." FAITH and TRUST IN GOD are the main weapons in combating adoption fatigue. You will still have doubt (I know I do) but "Perfect LOVE casteth out fear" (1 John 4:18) and the love Link and I have for our future children may not yet be perfect but it is fierce. It is certainly strong enough to look that fear in the face and say,

YOU WILL NOT DETER US!

I would also like to add that hopeful adoptive parents are not the only ones who are at risk of being the victims of adoption scams. Potential birth parents are also face some risk of matching with unethical adoptive parents. That, however, is an entire different post. You can read more about the warning signs of that kind of adoption scam in the Adoption ABC article I mentioned above.

Triad Tangents - Book Review: Sam's SIster

We always talk about the adoption triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. It forms a strong and powerful picture in our minds.



The reality, however, is that there are many many other people who have an interest in any adoption.



And this only shows the immediate families of each member of the triad, this does not include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. There are so many people who's lives and hearts will be affected by an adoption. I hope that each of them recognizes it as the miracle that it is. However, it also means a loss for many of those loved ones. One group of people, in particular, that will forever be affected are the older or future children of the birth parents.

This is a book for those sweet little children to whom adoption must seem terribly confusing. As Rosa's Mommy helps her to understand her brother's adoption, she is less confused and discovers happiness in being Sam's Sister.

*BE PREPARED TO CRY*

Sam's Sister
by Juliet C. Bond
Illustrated by Dawn. W. Majewski




This book is perfectly written and beautifully illustrated. Here is a brief synopsis of this heart breaking and heart warming book.

The story is told by Rosa

"When I was five, something very special happened. . ."

Rosa was worried about her Mommy, she was not acting like herself. Rosa asked her Mommy what is wrong, and her mommy told her what she had been so worried about. There was a new baby growing in her tummy. She explained to Rosa that they could not take care of this new baby, she told her about all of the things a new baby needs and how they could not get any of those things.

Rosa's Mommy told her about a family who want a baby to love.

"Will they take me too?" Rosa askes
"No way, Jose'" was Mommy's reply. She hugged her tight and reassured her.

"Do you love the baby in your tummy?"
"Yes, we will love him, too. He just won't live with us."

Rosa had a lot of questions to ask her Mommy as her tummy grew bigger. Her Mommy answered each question and helped her understand. She went with her mommy to meet the baby's new mommy and daddy. They gave her a blank coloring book so that she could color pictures and write stories for her little brother.

When it was time for the baby to come. Rosa stayed with her aunt and in the morning went to the hospital. The baby's name was Sam. Rosa was very excited to meet him and to help her Mommy choose a middle name for Sam.

Later Rosa went home with her Mommy and Sam went home with his new mommy and daddy. When they got home, Rosa and her Mommy read a letter Sam's new parents had written to them promising to take such good care of Sam.

Sometimes Rosa cried or had nightmares about missing Sam. Her Mommy was sad sometimes too, even though they knew that Sam's new mommy and daddy loved him very much. They talked to a counselor about their sad feelings.

Sam's new mommy and daddy also called them every week and sent pictures of him. He and Rosa had the same favorite song. Rosa and her Mommy went to visit Sam and she was happy that he laughed when she sang them their favorite song.

At the end of the book are the words, both in Spanish and English, to Rosa and Sam's favorite song.

I cried big alligator tears when I read this. Not only was Rosa's Mommy very brave, so was Rosa.

Juliet Bond is a counselor with a well respected adoption agency in Illinois. In her research, she found that as many as 60% of birth parents have a child they are parenting at the time of placement. She wanted to give those parents a tool to help their children deal with the grief and loss of having a sibling adopted. She wanted this book to provide comfort and peace to the birth families who are making such an important life decision.

Thank you Juliet for writing such a beautiful and powerful book.

Hi Friends, I am still trying to recover from this cold, which seems to be getting worse, not the other way around. I am told this may have something to do with my inability to rest and let my immune system have the extra energy it needs to work its magic. (lame)

So instead of my intended post, go ahead and enjoy the entertainment my adorable boy and sweet husband provided me with this evening as I "rested" on my couch.