Be an Adoption Ambassador

I am a little behind on my Adoptive Families reading. I usually read at the gym and my two year old has decided that he is no longer going to the kid's club there. . . sigh. And so my August edition of Adoptive Families is more ragged and beaten than any other edition, as it has been dragged around, here, there and everywhere so I can grab a bit of it now and then.

I'm not finished with it quite yet, but there is such a great article in there entitled "Be an Adoption Ambassador" that I knew I wanted to share. In it, AF puts forth questions that you are likely to encounter from friends and families along the way, then provides you with the "crib sheet" for those occasions.

Each question has a short answer followed by an in depth explanation, so be sure to check out the entire article.

1. "Was the adoption terribly expensive? How did you afford it?"
"The average cost of an adoption last year was $27,000. Grants and reimbursements can reduce the expense."

2. "How long does it take? Did you wait forever?"
"The average wait to adopt is about two years."

3. "Is it really possible to adopt an American child? Even a newborn?"
"The vast majority of adoptees are U.S.-born. Internation adoptees just tend to be more visible."

4. "Doesn't open adoption confuse your child?"
"Research on kids in open adoption shows that there's no such effect."

5. "Aren't most adoptees troubled?"
"A research study that's been going on for a decade shows that adopted children do just as well as kids raised in their biological families."

6. "How do you know that your adoption was legal? Weren't you afraid of being scammed?"
"The best way to avoid problems is to work with a large, nonprofit agency or with an attorney who specializes in adoption, and to do plenty of reserach before you sign up."

7. "I'd love to adopt -- how do you get started?"
"What kind of child do you thin will best fit your family?"

Matching Monday's: Washington Edition

Probably many of you read and love Mrs. R. at The R House. She does this great thing every Monday where she features children who are waiting to be adopted out of the foster care system on her blog. Recently, she asked for bloggers who would do the same, focusing on their own states. I am delighted to join the Matching Monday team and bring you for the first time ever:

Matching Monday: Washington Edition
To learn more about any of these children, click on their photo.

Anthony
age 15

You all know I have a special place in my heart for carrot tops don't you?

Bright, attractive, and engaging, ANTHONY (5/94) is an endearing teenager who can be tons of fun. He has a good sense of humor and relates well to adults and to peers. The ease with which he displays good manners in public is nice asset. One of his favorite activities is going out to theaters to see movies. Other pastimes are riding his bike, playing video games and basketball, and spending time with kids in the neighborhood. An avid Mariners fan, he loves baseball. Last year he had the opportunity to go to a Mariners game with seats by home plate. He met the Moose (the team mascot), and received a team jersey. He loved it!

His social worker is most interested in talking with prospective adoptive folks who are adept at using redirection and non-authoritarian ways of parenting to achieve positive results. Anthony really needs to be the youngest or only child in his adoptive family.

James
age 8

JAMES (11/00) is charming, engaging, and social, and he has some other nice strengths, too. He has a good sense of curiosity about the world around him. He takes pride in his appearance and belongings. He enjoys school and is very friendly, often saying hello to everyone who walks by. At his group home, he has done well as one of the younger kids in his cottage and is well liked by staff. He does well with adults in general, especially those who model healthy behavior and boundaries, and interact with him with patience and encouragement. This is a boy who loves to have even a small step forward praised and acknowledged. A big fan of super heroes, James especially loves Batman and Spiderman. He also enjoys collecting Hotwheels. With his love of the water, he enjoys fishing and is currently having fun learning to swim. Among his favorite activities are riding his bike, playing soccer, tossing a Frisbee, and playing video games. He also loves to listen to music.

Because James is so drawn to men, his worker is particularly interesting in hearing from couples where there is a strong, positive dad figure. James would do best as the only child or as the younger of two siblings.

Kenneth
age 5

Kenny has been making wonderful strides over the last months. He is now talking in complete sentences and can make his wishes known (he will tell you if he is tired of doing something). He loves music, playing outside – and he has mastered his two wheeler bike – without the training wheels!

Kenny went to summer school in preparation for starting Kindergarten this fall and it is reported that he knows his colors, shapes, letters and can count to 20. He copies his name and has good gross motor skills, and is well coordinated.

Kenny, who is eligible for DD services, has symptoms characteristic of children who have autism.

Kenny has been with his current foster parents, with his sister, since March 2006. Because the foster parents are in their 60s, they feel they cannot be a permanent resource for Kenny.

Kenny’s social worker is particularly interested in hearing from prospective adoptive parents who have the energy, desire, and commitment to learn to care for and raise a child who offers the challenges and pluses that Kenny brings with him. If there is a family out there who is informed about autism, maybe experienced in raising a child with this condition, and is interested in hearing more about Kenny, we urge you to get in touch with us.

Adoption PostSecret Post Card

Do any of you read PostSecret?

This sweet adoption post card was on there last Sunday. :)

Book Review: The Third Choice: A Woman's Guide to Placing a Child for Adoption

This book was recommended to me by a birthmother friend, Desha.

If you are in any way involved with a domestic adoption where the birthmother chose or will choose adoption for her child, you need to read this book.

I have now read dozens of adoption books. This book, far-and-away, is the most important adoption book I have read to date.

This book stretched me and enlarged both my place in and my understanding of the world of adoption. I will admit that as a soon-to-be adoptive mother, there were things written in this book that were difficult to read. However, as I read I became more and more aware of how important each consideration that birthmothers must make are. I realized that I wanted our baby's to-be birthmom to ask herself each of these questions and answer them honestly, because only that would lead to a healthy adoption relationship.

Table of Contents:

Introduction: An Adoption Renaissance
Preface
Chapter 1: Choosing Adoption
Chapter 2: Choosing the Right Adoption for You
Chapter 3: Finding the Right Adoptive Parents for Your Child
Chapter 4: Moving Ahead with Your Adoption Plan
Chapter 5: Your Pregnancy
Chapter 6: Hospital and Birth
Chapter 7: Grief, Loss, and Healing
Chapter 8: The First Year
Chapter 9: Beyond the First Year
Chapter 10: The other Important People: Birthfathers and Family Members
Chapter 11: Circumstances which Require Additional Thought, Planning, and Counseling

One of the most impressive features of this book are the quotes from birthmothers on each topic. These quotes range from the most positive to the most difficult. They provide a healthy spectrum and perspective. Yes, some things about your adoption experience can be great, and some may be terribly difficult. There are no rose colored glasses in this book, however, the authors (Foge and Mosconi,) adeptly illustrate the positive potential of adoption.

In each chapter the authors ask questions that expectant mothers are likely to ask, then they dive right in, answering each question in detail. They include reactions particular to the topic at hand from women who have created an adoption plan.

"How Sure do I have to be?"

". . . It is natural to reevaluate your decision time and time again."

"This does not necessarily mean that you have made the wrong choice or that you will change your mind. It simply means that choosing adoption is a very difficult and complicated decision that , by its very nature, involves conflict."

Chapter three was of great interest to me, and is a great resource for all prospective adoptive parents in addition to all potential birth parents. It explains the home study process and offers suggestions on helping the expectant mom create a "birth parents wish list" (I LOVE IT!) There is also help in preparing to meet a hopeful adoptive couple and a long list of questions that should be asked by the expectant parents and questions that they should expect to be asked.

I will be taking this list to our meeting with our birth parents this week so that I can make sure they know anything they want to know about us and that we don't forget to ask anything important in our excitement!

The last section in this chapter is entitled "Understanding the Prospective of the Adopting Parents." This is the first time that I have ever read something encouraging birth parents to consider how adoptive parents have been affected by their journey and their emotional pasts. It was surprising, healing, and enlightening. Birthmoms are loving compassionate people who make incredibly loving choices for their children. Why would I not expect them to show concern for the emotions of people that, in most cases, they hope to develop a life long relationship with?

The fourth chapter talks about how to handle the relationship with the adoptive parents in a healthy and constructive way. It has a sample Adoption Agreement to help expectant parents (and adoptive parents too) communicate about what they want the adoption to look like. Very helpful.

The next several chapters address the actual pregnancy, delivery, and beyond. They are filled with invaluable counsel for any woman who is creating a birth plan for her baby. These chapters can help a birth mom to think through everything she is going to face and prepare for the experiences and feelings that she is likely to encounter.

Some of the highlights of these chapters include:

• What a birthmom might want to pack for her hospital stay (including a letter- much like a birth plan- explaining your decision and asking for support from the medical staff.)
• Considering what kind of contact you want to have with your baby, with your friends and family, and with the adoptive couple during your hospital stay.
  
• Ideas for healing ways to say goodbye.
• What to do if you have a change of heart.
• What your grief may look like at various time periods after placement.
• Ideas to help accept grief and promote healing.
• How to handle confusing and conflicting emotions.
• Preparing for post-placement contact and visits.

The tenth chapter of the book is not written for expectant mothers/ birthmothers. It is written for birthfathers and other members of the birth family.

The eleventh chapter addresses potential situations that require additional consideration, such a placing an older child, or placing with a non-traditional family.

The last and highly valuable resource in this helpful book, is a long list of additional books and resources for potential birth parents.

Let me say again that this is the most valuable book I have read on adoption to date. I feel that my perspective of adoption has changed and grown and that my understanding of a birthmom's experience has been greatly improved. This has increased my empathy and my ability to communicate with our child's birth parents in a more real and relaxed way. Thank you again, Desha, for a great recommendation.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Day

Families battle an 'invisible disability'
Chicago Tribune by Bonnie Miller Rubin


Adoptee Victor Petersen, 16, who has been diagnosed with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, holds one of his family's cats while his mother, Nancy, talks on the phone. Nancy Petersen, who adopted her son in 1997, struggled for five years to get help for him

FAS is a reality that thousands of adoptive families face. It is a disability that is still widely unrecognized. In addition to educating expectant mothers of the dangers of consuming any alcohol during pregnancy, potential adoptive families need to be educated about the real trials they will face in bringing a FAS child into their families. Families who have a child who may have FAS need to be given resources to advocate for their children.

In the United States, 40,000 children are born each year with FASD--more than spina bifida, Down Syndrome and muscular dystrophy combined, according to the National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Children exposed to alcohol in utero are prone to poor judgment, impulsivity and are often unable to grasp cause and effect. Lifetime costs for one individual with FAS in 2002 were estimated to be $2 million, according to the CDC.

So why no telethons? Ribbons? Marches in Washington?

"There's a lot of stigma associated with alcohol abuse and this spills over into FASD," said Edward Riley, of San Diego State University, and one of the nation's leading researchers on the condition. "For biological parents, it is difficult ... it means they have to be willing to admit that they were a contributor. And for adoptive parents, it means that the perfect family they were looking for might not become a reality."

September 9th is FAS Awareness Day. Be aware, become educated, teach others.

Book Review: The Brotherhood of Joseph

I checked this book out of our local library three times (for three weeks each time) for my husband, Lincoln to read. I was hoping that it would help him feel more connected to the adoption process. Since the time that we had finished our paperwork he had not really shown a lot of interest or emotion towards the process. That is not to say that he didn't want to adopt anymore, no very much the opposite, he wanted to adopt, he didn't want to wait, search, or learn about adoption. He just wanted it to be done with so that we could get on with being a family. I was hoping that this book would help him out of that. When he finally got around to reading it (after much "encouragement" from me) we both learned a lot about his feelings toward adoption.

He read the first part of the book himself. I didn't read it. He said that it was about the secret lives of adoptive fathers. He told me Hansen got in trouble for all the same things he did. He learned why adoption was so emotional, consuming, and difficult for women, and even picked up a few tips on how to better support me.

It was at the point in the book where the Hansens attend their first adoption meeting that Lincoln began reading the book out loud to me. It is their story, how they survived fear, a dishonest lawyer, longing, and as their final trial- the realization that the child they were matched too, despite being beautiful and healthy, was not their son. Then, in the same day, meeting their son, born 10 weeks early and struggling to survive, and falling in love with him.

I was amazed as Lincoln read to me at the depth of his emotion. His anger, and relief, his eventual understanding. Not only did Link learn how to support me, but I learned that part of the reason he does not show his emotions, is because frankly, one of us has to hold it all together, and Heaven knows it isn't going to be me.

Reading this book together was a wonderful bonding exercise for our family. We are more understanding of one another's passion for both adoption and for our children.

I would recommend this book to any couple who is in the midst of the adoption process- oh and of course, read it together.

Must See Movie

Those of you who know me personally know that I DO NOT see movies, especially in the movie theatre. I consider being forced to sit in one place and hold still while watching lights move across a giant scree TORTURE!

So, it takes a pretty special movie to make me WANT to go to the movie theatre.

I think I will even hire a baby sitter and take my husband.

If you want to learn more click here.

Free Adoption Book Offer

Hello Adoption Peeps- I got an email from adoption advocate and author Laura Christensen today. She is holding a fantastic promotion. I took advantage of this offer last year. I highly recommend both books, although the second takes some "translating" for LDS adoptive families. I am working on that right now, so watch for a post about that in the near future.

Here are the details.

Hope you're having a wonderful summer! To celebrate my wedding anniversary this Friday, I'm having a 1-day book bash on August 21. I did this last year, and it was wildly popular, so I thought, "Why not do it again?"

Here's how it works:

1. Buy The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting on Amazon.com.

2. Send me your Amazon proof-of-purchase, dated August 21, 2009, and your mailing address.

3. I'll mail you an autographed copy of The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System, absolutely free!

This is a $10 value, plus I pay the shipping on The Adoption Network.

Is there a catch?

Nope. Hundreds of people who have received free books from me during my periodic specials will attest to the fact that I'll send your free book promptly, and I won't hassle you with a bunch of unsolicited emails.

Both my books have a 5-star rating from Amazon reviewers.

Tell everybody about this special, 1-day offer, so they can stock up on free books:

• Tell your adoption agency, social worker, or attorney.
• Tell others you know who are considering adopting.
• Tell your clergyperson...these books give any church that's considering starting an adoption ministry a jump-start.
• Tell people who are looking for a gift to buy you.

Where to send your Amazon proof-of-purchase for The Adoption Decision:

E-mail it to me (or send it as an attachment) with "1-Day Sale" in the Subject line: laurachristianson@hotmail.com.

OR

Send it via snail mail to Laura Christianson, PO Box 1254, Snohomish, WA 98291-1254. I'll honor any Amazon proof-of-purchase for The Adoption Decision dated 8-21-09, as long as I receive it by 8-31-09.

Hope you enjoy your new books and please, write and tell me what you think of them.

PO Box 1254, Snohomish, WA 98291-1254, USA

Adoption Garage Sale

Do you live in Utah? Do you have stuff hanging around your house that you don't need or want anymore? Do you love a good garage sale? Do you want to help Becky and Jeremy adopt? (of course you do!)

Becky and Jeremy are having a garage sale to help raise money for their adoption. To make sure that it is a great success, they are also taking donations of items that you no longer want. They will even come pick it up for you. (You know that box of stuff in your basement you've been meaning to take to Good Will/ DI for 7 months- they will happily take care of that for you!)

OR- if you really love a good garage sale, I am willing to bet that this is going to be a good one.

You can get the details on their blog.

Good Luck Becky and Jermey- can't wait to hear how it goes!

Photolisting Sites

My husband and I are considering fos-adopt for a future adoption.

Because I like to put the cart before the horse when ever I can, I have started collecting photolisting sites. I know this is not a comprehensive list, so please help me add to it. The states listed under the sites are the states that the children are in, not necessarily, the states that the children are able to go to. Most of these sites will accept inquiries from any family in the state the child is residing in or families who have all ready completed their home study in any state.

The Adoption Exchange
Colorado, Missouri, Nevada, New Mexico, Oklahoma, South Dekota, Utah, Wyoming
Adopt Us Kids
All States- all states search-able at the same time from one location
Heart Gallery of America
All States and several states have many galleries, however, you do have to look at each one individually
Children Awaiting Parents
All states
Adopt America Network
You can also list your family for older children to view on this site!
Northwest Adoption Exchange
Alaska, Oregon, Idaho, Washington - must search each state individually
The Adoption Photolisting
All states
Wednesday's Child
All States


Many States Also have their own sites.

Arizona
Arkansas
California
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Indiana
Iowa
Kentucky
Maine
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Minnesota- Hennepin County
Missouri
Nebraska
Nebraska (focus on older kids)
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
Ohio (Several Counties in Ohio also have small photos listings.)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas (this page is actually a list of all Texas Heart Galleries)
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
West Virginia (notice children are off to the left hand side of page)
Wisconsin