Adoption FYI

Leo's Story: Short and Sweet

2011-04-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is approaching. I am in the throws of being a mom, for sure! I'm having trouble finding time to take a shower, let alone write the next two sections of Leo's story. So in honor of Mother's Day, of letting ourselves off the hook sometimes, of keeping it real. . . I thought I would share with you the short and sweet version that I wrote for my friend's blog, EllieAdorn. (A great resource and forum for talking about the most intense and emotional aspects of motherhood.)

2007 was a horrible, terrible, no good year. Well, except for the fact that my handsome son was born and I didn’t die. That pretty much sums up the year. After a pregnancy plagued by a rare neurological disorder brought on by high levels of progesterone, we were sternly warned to never attempt another pregnancy. They needn’t have said a single thing to us; one was more than enough. Our extended family had been blessed by adoption several times and we knew before John Henry was ever born that our future children would come to us through adoption.

We began filling out our mountains of paperwork before John Henry was a year old. We were approved to adopt in January of 2009. We knew that the average waiting time for a domestic adoption was a little over two years. We also knew that couples who were proactive in their adoption efforts often decreased that wait significantly. I have an MBA with an emphasis in entrepreneurship and social marketing. We learned everything we could about domestic adoption and I threw the full force of my education and experience into promoting our desire to adopt.

One of the things that couples looking to adopt domestically are rarely told is that most of them will go through at least one failed adoption. Laws in this country protect the rights of the birth parents (as they should) to parent their child until after the birth of the baby, depending on the state, for as long as six months. (Three to seven days is a more common waiting time before a birth parent can sign relinquishment papers.)

Lincoln, my husband, and I are just over achievers, I guess. In 2009 we suffered through four failed adoptions. In November of 2009 we pulled all of our profiles down. We weren’t giving up, but we were heart broken. We needed some healing time.

I believe that God often lets us get to that broken hearted stage so that we will truly recognize and appreciate a miracle when he sends it to us.

In December of 2009 I got a call from our agency. I didn’t respond right away because I thought they were only calling to tell us that we needed to renew our home study. I didn’t want to think about that right then. A few days later I got several phone messages and an urgent email from our case worker to “Call her right away!” I finally did.

Because we had matched the very specific requirements of a potential birth mother they had sent our profile to her. She wanted to talk to us, and more so, she wanted to place with us! WHAT? We were so excited, and yet so afraid to open our hearts once again.

I talked to Lisa* on the phone for the fist time a week or so later. It was as if we were long lost friends. Her story was heart breaking and I mourned with her. We spent the next several weeks getting to know her through email and over the phone.

In February I flew to Alaska several days before Lisa was scheduled to be induced. Those were precious days for me. The day I first saw Lisa in person there was no awkwardness, we hugged as if we had known each other our whole lives and fell into the happy and comfortable conversation of old friends.

Newborn Leo

Lincoln and I spent the entire day in the hospital with Lisa the day she was induced. It was a slow and painful labor and we did what we could to make her more comfortable. Finally, more than 12 hours after her initial induction, they gave her an epidural and things moved fast from there. Leo was born late at night. I was with Lisa as she delivered. I cut the umbilical cord. It was the most miraculous experience of my life. I cried as they handed this precious baby, who would bond two mothers together for life, to Lisa.

She held him, I kissed her and told her how amazing she was, and then she handed him to the nurse and I was torn. Should I go with the baby or should I stay with Lisa? As a true mother, Lisa told me what to do. I called Lincoln to come into the room. We assisted as the nurse cleaned, measured and swaddled our new born son.

The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions. If you were under the impression that a person can only feel one emotion at a time, let me assure you that you are wrong. I was flooded by every emotion known to man, often hitting me in waves, one after another without respite. But in the chaos of feelings swirling around the adults, the perfect calm of a sweet new baby anchored us and we moved forward.

Lincoln had to return to Washington to our older son and to his job. I stayed behind in Alaska waiting for clearance to leave the state and for an opening on a flight back to the lower 48. Lisa and I spent at least part of every day together. We took turns holding our precious boy, kissing him, feeding him, smelling him.

Leo

Some might think this would have been difficult for Lisa, spending so much time with the child she had carried, nurtured, and given birth too, but would not be parenting. I’m sure it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but she cherished the time to tell him how much she loved him and to say goodbye. Like many birth mothers, Lisa is an amazingly strong woman.

Some might think this would have been difficult for me, ‘allowing’ Leo’s birth mother to spend so much time with him, to cuddle him, to bond with him. Some might assume I would feel threatened or anxious that she would change her mind. They would be wrong. I would not have had it any other way.

Lisa and I share the bond of motherhood, each of us giving our son something that the other could not. We both love him fiercely, and each of us have and will continue to make great sacrifices to ensure he is given the very best we can give him.

Leo is now a year old. We talk to Lisa several times each month. We are friends on Facebook. I send her pictures, she sends Leo presents! She watches Leo grow and shares in the journey. I get support from her as I parent, someone to ask about medical concerns, and best of all, the knowledge that Leo will know his birth mama and know how much he is loved by both of us.

Adoption is a miracle. Open adoption is a living miracle. It takes work. It takes strength. It’s rewards are infinite.

*not her real name.

Leo's Story: Part 3, Welcome to Alaska and Meeting Lisa

2011-02-06T02:07:00.000-08:00

Preparing to go to Alaska was an anxiety producing experience. You name it, I was worried about it. Only prayer got me through those few weeks leading up to Leo's delivery, well, and Lisa. She was a pillar of strength and resolve. It should have been me supporting her, encouraging her, giving her strength. In fact, I felt as those she was doing all of those things for me.

Our community rallied around us to support us. We were still emotionally fragile and recovering from October's failed adoption. Dozens of people approached us with offers to help in every way imaginable. One of the miracles of adoption, I learned, is the opportunity it affords a community to support a family and the opportunity for a family to truly be supported in an amazing way. The love and friendship that is created and strengthened is a blessing for everyone. So many friends helped us prepare to bring Leo home and all of them rejoiced with us when he finally arrived.

One example out of many-- We were very fortunate to have some dear, dear friends who had accumulated a significant number airline miles on Alaska Airline, as tickets to the Alaska interior are very expensive, especially when they have to be purchased last minute. They donated those points to us. It was a the kind of gift that humbles you to your very core. It was a much needed and un-repayable gift. They told us, for them, it was like giving us play money, but to us it was a blessing beyond measure.

We prepared in every way we could think of knowing we could never REALLY be prepared and then it was time to go. I will never forget rocking John Henry to sleep the night before I left. It was sweet and exciting and sad. It was the first of many times over the next few weeks I would be surprised by my own emotions.

Lisa was scheduled to be induced at 38 weeks, but had been contracting on and off for two weeks prior to that. As I was waiting to board my flight I got a call from her.

"I think I'm in labor, I'm on my way to the hospitlal" WHAT??? AHHH!

I was scheduled to arrive fairly late at night. I told her to leave me a voice mail (or make someone else) and I would come straight to the hospital from the airport if I needed to. I felt so helpless. I was so grateful for my friend, Sarah. I could think of nothing else to do, so I called her and asked her to light a candle for Lisa. She did and kept it burning for hours until she heard from me that it was false labor and they had sent her home.

Some members of our church, whom I had never met, had left their van at the airport for me with instructions on how to find their house, how to get in, and to make myself at home, despite the fact that they were out of town visiting family. This was another gift of immeasurable worth. Bringing Leo "home" to a real home was such a blessing, to say nothing of the expense it saved us.

The morning after I arrived, I called Lisa. She knew where the house was. To save me driving on icy roads in a city I didn't know, she came to me. (See what I mean, she was taking care of me. . . so backwards!) The door bell rang and when I opened the door it was like opening the door for my sister. She came in, we hugged one another, and then we fell into talking as though we had only seen each other last week. It was simply natural and enjoyable. I cherish those few days I got to spend with Lisa, one on one, before Leo was born. (Link came up two days after I did.)

People ask me if I still "have contact" with Leo's birthmom. I want to laugh when I hear this question. Would you ask someone if they still "have contact" with their sister? We talk on the phone, text, and are friends on facebook. I know that most people don't understand the concept of an open adoption. I think may people find it strange or uncomfortable because it challenges the standard adoption paradigm. I want to tell them all. OF COURSE!!! She is the biological mother of my child! We share something so special and precious it would be strange for us to NOT maintain close connections.

We spent the next few days talking, eating good food, and resting. Link came up the Monday evening before her Wednesday morning scheduled induction. We explored the city and marveled at how different life is the arctic. We all went out for a "last supper." I ate an Elk stake. It was a joyful few days that strengthened us and provided us with the energy to get through the following three days of turmoil.

Part 4: Leo's birth, to follow.

2010-12-09T12:31:00.001-08:00

I heard this song for the first time in the car yesterday and knew I had to share it. Be prepared to have your heart melt.

I'm sure there are a few Christmas Carols who want a home for Christmas, here. Perhaps your family needs a little blue eyes Carol to light up your Christmas too.

Leo's Sealing

2010-09-22T01:26:00.001-07:00

Sealing

An ordinance performed in the temple eternally uniting a husband and wife, or children and their parents.

For LDS families, an adoption is not complete at finalization. There is a kind of spiritual finalization as well. We call it a sealing and it means that Leo is now a part of our family, not only on this earth and in this life, but in the world and life to come.

Saturday was a very special day for our family, Leo was sealed to us for eternity.

Many members of our family traveled from Utah and Oregon to be at the Seattle Temple with us.

Leo was adorable, a perfect angel, and seemed pretty darn happy about the level of attention he was getting.

John Henry looked dashing dressed all in white. He had been talking about going to the temple to seal Leo to our family for a few weeks now. He was so excited to actual go. He was reverent in the temple, and having our children in the sealing room was a sacred experience beyond description.

Leo's Story, part 2: Getting to Know Lisa

2010-09-08T01:54:00.000-07:00

In preparation for writing this post I went back and read all of the emails to and from Lisa starting with that first email through the following five or so weeks until I flew to Alaska. What a gift those emails are to me and what a gift they will be for Leo.

The emotions that I felt at receiving, reading and replying to each one were so poignant. As I have reread them I have felt those strange, dizzying and confusing emotions again in a (thankfully) weaker form and I wonder at the complexity of the human soul. I am at a loss to describe what getting to know Lisa through these letters was like. It was overwhelming. It became increasingly clear, however, that God had arranged for us to find one another.

Much of what we shared with one another would be meaningless to the rest of the world, but to me, it was a precious time. Lisa shared with us what had drawn her to our profile. Her criteria for a family was that 1. they must all ready have at least on child and 2. they must have a dog. I was shocked to learn that of the more than 100 waiting families listed with our agency only five families meet this criteria. We were the only family who described our dog's personalities in our letter. (When we say that our dogs are part of our family, we mean it!) It was also very special to learn that Leo had kicked and made his wishes known while Lisa read our profile.

The first phone call I got from Lisa (and I say I, because Lincoln was not with me) came to me while I was in a yarn store in Utah with my mom and sister. This, to me, was another tender mercy arranged by Heavenly Father. Knitting with my Mom, sister, and grandmothers is such an important part of who I am. I felt like Lisa was joining us as my honorary sister. From the beginning we talked to one another with the ease of women who have known each other their whole lives. After we hung up I purchased some of my very favorite yarn, in what I would later learn was Lisa's favorite color, to knit a hat and scarf for her. (She looks so beautiful in them too!)

slowly but surly, I will record Leo's story. Part 3: Welcome to Alaska and Meeting Lisa will follow.

Leo's Story, part 1: The Match

2010-08-04T21:39:00.000-07:00

The time has come to tell our adoption story, well at least to tell mine and Lincoln's end of it. There are some parts that will be left out for Leo's sake. He deserves to share the more intimate portions of his story with whom and when he wants.

The Call

All you adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents know about "THE CALL." The one that announces that ***YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN***

It is the day we wait for and the reason our hearts skip when our phones ring and our breath quickens when we see an adoption related email. In reality, though, it rarely works that way. Usually we get a call telling us that a potential birth parent wants to meet us, or that we are being profiled, or that we meet the criteria of a potential birth parent, (so could you update your profile?) Then we wait, and we wait, and we wait to hear if this first phone call will lead to another phone call.

Well, we had received THE call three times by December 2009. In October we had gone through a very painful failed adoption and had decided to take our profile down for a month or two in order to process and to heal. We actually hadn't bothered to tell our LDSFS caseworker that we had taken down our profiles, as we had never had any sort of contact from any birthparent through LDSFS, and we did not expect to complete our eventual adoption through them.

So, when I noticed a phone call from LDSFS on my caller id in mid-December I assumed it was just someone calling to remind us that our home study needed to be renewed (as if I had forgotten.) Pam, the adoption worker, had actually left us a message telling us to to call her ASAP, but I missed it somehow. Our voice mail goes to my email, so if I get a lot of emails one day I sometimes don't see the voicemails. (Also, my inbox is a giant nightmare of information, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it.)

A couple of days later I got an email from Pam (who I'm sure was wondering if we had fallen off the earth - we have got to be the only couple who didn't call her back when they were told a birth mother was interested in them INSTANTLY.) She, in a very nice way, said "HELLO, are you daft? Call me!!!" So I did.

She gave me Lisa's* email address and told me something that I was not expecting to hear. Lisa was not interested in just getting to know us a little better, or meeting us, Lisa has CHOSEN us.

WHAT???

Wow.

I was scared. My first thought was, I can't do this again. I can't go through another heartbreak. I waited for Lincoln to get home that night and then we sat down to compose a very carefully worded and thought out email. (Lisa, if you had any idea how carefully we wrote that email, you would laugh yourself silly.)

check back for part 2: Getting to know Lisa

*this is not Leo's birthmother's real name. To protect her privacy we have changed it.

Birthmothers 4 Adoption

2010-08-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

You all know that I love the ladies behind Birthmother's 4 Adoption, right?

Truly, you will learn more about birth mothers and their perspective there than possibly any other place on the internet. They also offer other birth moms and prospective birth moms a ton of support and a safe place to be, to ask questions, and to "have their own experience." (Love that, Desha!) Anyone associated with adoption should be following their blog.

Right now they are sponsoring a great adoption book give away.

They are giving away both of these lovely child focused adoption books. No links on purpose, I want you to click through to Birthmother's 4 Adoption! Head on over and meet these wonderful women.

Finalization

2010-07-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

It was so simple, so quick, so easy. A beautiful juxtaposition to the emotional roller coaster ride that we rode to find him. Leo, you now officially, Leo. How strange and how lovely.

Now I will feel safe in telling our story. Stay tuned. . .

Touching example of biological family relationships in International Adoption

2010-07-13T10:17:00.001-07:00

I really loved this story.

Birthmothers 4 Adoption - A Logo Contest

2010-06-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

This is one of the most charitable and supportive group of women I know. They have created a community of Birthmoms that exists to support other Birthmoms. Their blog is an adoption MUST READ!

Jessa and Desha (the authors/moderators) have decided the Birthmothers 4 Adoption is in need of a logo, and they are turning to US, the creative adoption community to help them achieve that. Give back to a group of women who have given the very most to the adoption world.

Click HERE to learn about the contest

(I've all ready submitted my entry. . . You have until July 3rd at midnight!)

National Infertility Awareness Week

2010-04-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

This week is almost over, and I didn't want to let it pass without saying something. The problem is, I'm just not sure what to say.

There are so many women, so many families who have something to say, who can offer support, encouragement, empathy. If you are suffering from infertility, I suggest you tap into that incredible network. You can meet many of those strong infertility warriors this week over at Mrs. R's. Place.

For me, infertility looks different. I do suffer from infertility. I will never carry another child in my womb. There is no hope for that, as there is no treatment (and no hope for a future treatment) to the disease that my body carries.

My knowledge of basal thermometers, Clomid, and IVF are not first hand. None of them are options for me. In fact, I must take very careful measures to insure that I do not get pregnant, as a pregnancy would almost surely end in death for both myself and the baby, but only after weeks or months of intense suffering.

That is a lonely place to be sometimes. Rarely do we face situations where there is no hope. Rarely do we face situations in forced solitude. (Chorea Gravidarum is so rare that it is almost certain I will never meet another woman who has suffered from it.) Rarely are we forced to look elsewhere for solutions to our hearts' deepest desires.

I did mourn my fertility. In fact, I still do mourn my fertility in the occasional quiet moment. I still feel pangs of jealousy that I will never feel that first kick in the womb again. I occasionally desire to experience the miracle of birth (I was under general anesthesia for JH's birth.) Most poignantly I long to nurse my second son, and any possible future children.

Most of the time, however, I am incredibly grateful that adoption was our only option to grow our family. I am a better person because of it. In the 18 months that we traveled on our adoption journey we experienced intense highs and lows. We met dozens of amazing people. We witnessed, and were even a part of, miracles.

And we met our son and his incredible birth mother.

You see, there is a secret that those of us who have faced infertility keep; something that I will share with you, (but don't tell those women who come by babies easily.) While all babies are miracles, those of us who have waded through heartbreak and despair on behalf of our babies rejoice in, celebrate, and cherish our little ones just a little bit more because we know what it is to live without them and to long for them.

When it is hard, when it is overwhelming. . . no matter where you find yourself in your quest to build your family, you can cling to this one piece of light. However it happens, eventually. . . eventually you will hold your miracle in your arms, and every tear you shed, every prayer you offered, every step you took will have been worth it. And, you would willingly do it all over again.

*My dear friend Sonya knit the sweater that Leo is wearing. This photo is to remind her that eventually another sweet miracle will also wear it.

So I'm Kind of Blissfully Busy

2010-03-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

So, postings are probably going to come less often for a while. . . you all understand, right! ;)

Boy have I got some stories to tell you when I can! What a crazy experience bringing Leo home has been. In the mean time, let me distract you with adorable pictures of this sweet little cherub.

Isn't that little belly something else? I just love it!

So, during a blissful hour or two of quiet time while BOTH kids were sleeping, I found this awesome DYI home decorating episode from the show "Carter Can". In this show he come to the rescue of a couple who is about to bring their daughter home from Ethiopia but their living space is far from ready for her. I just love what they do to welcome her home, celebrate her heritage, and teach her about her family.

Leo James Wright

2010-03-02T01:14:00.001-08:00

24 February 2010
7 lbs 5 oz
20.5 inches

A Miracle

His birth mama is doing great. She was AMAZING! We continue to see her and visit with her while we are waiting for ICPC to clear.

Birth Mother Shower in a Box

2010-02-16T04:42:00.001-08:00

During our adoption journey I have struggled with the pain that birth mothers must go through in order for adoption to work, and frankly in order for me to experience the incredible joy of motherhood. That is very hard for me.

I have sought out ways to support these incredible women.

Now that I have a personal relationship with the birth mother of our child (whom is scheduled to make his appearance in the next week or so. . . WOW!) I have felt this heaviness with even more poignancy.

It is the truth that no matter my level of empathy I will never truly understand the sacrifice that these women make for their children, for our children. The best that I can do is support and love them in any way I can think of. . . and encourage others to do the same.

I am so blessed to be surrounded with a group of amazing women. My sister, mother, mother-in-law and friends came together in a loving, fun, and compassionate display of what that support can look like.

I present. . . A BIRTH MOTHER SHOWER IN A BOX

Each of these amazing 15 women prepared a small handmade or hand selected gift meant to pamper and offer support to the woman who will deliver our miracle. The purpose was to let her know that she has emotional and spiritual support in places she probably hadn't considered and that her choice reaches far beyond the blessings our family will inherit from her.

My friends and family were so willing and excited to do this and many of them sent notes expressing their feelings to our birth mom to-be.

M. loved it.

What other ways have you found to love and support yours (or someonelse's) child's birth mom?

Orphans in Haiti

2010-01-20T20:56:00.001-08:00

Let me start by saying that I know very little about the intricacies of international adoption. Perhaps in my future I will have the opportunity to know more.

There are many of us, including me, who see the images of the children in Haiti and our hearts break, and then we know we MUST do something. We have safe homes, open hearts, and a surplus of love- we see in the faces of these children the potential faces of our own children.

There is a lot to be done just to recreate a safe place in Haiti for these children, to tend to any of their medical and physical needs, and to re-establish the infrastructure that will allow for orderly adoptions to take place again.

If you know that God is calling you to bring a child from Haiti into your home and family, please visit MLJ Adoptions WEBSITE. You can read about caring for Haiti's Orphans HERE and inquire about their Haiti hosting and adoption programs HERE.

If the sight of these children has opened your heart to the possibility of adoption, please remember that there are many children here in the US that need a loving stable home and parents who will cherish them. To learn more about adopting from our country's foster care system, I suggest contacting a Foster Family Adoption Agency, like Amara.

The Bad and the Ugly

2010-01-17T02:52:00.000-08:00

We all know that there is a good and beautiful side to adoption, but we rarely talk about the trolls that also lurk in this world.

I hope that all of you, especially hopeful adoptive parents, have been reading Mrs. R.'s account of being scammed and catching this dreadfully sad girl in her web of lies. Not only did this young woman lie and emotionally manipulate The R. Family, but she did so to at least three other couples.

Link and I have been through our fair share of adoption scams as well. We have become skeptical of all initial contact that we have with potential birth parents. We now scrutinize it in a way that we would have never thought to when we first embarked on our journey.

1. The first thing I do when we receive an email from a pbp is to google their email address and name. Don't stop at the first page, I found the email address of one girl with whom we IMed for a good hour one night buried deep in an adoption agencies' message board they keep for their clients. The poor couple who had posted it had been strung along by her for months.
(She goes by either Amanda or Heather and her AIM handle is DreamAngelQueen)

2. The second thing we do is to check what they are telling us against this helpful website.
http://www.abcadoptions.com/scams.htm Thank you ABC Adoptions, I don't know anything about you other than you website has saved us from a great deal of heartache.

Here is the information I posted after Link and I were first targeted by a scammer.

The Duke and I have been victims of our first (and hopefully last) adoption scam. No, we were not taken for any money, just taken on a bit of an emotional ride. I am posting it here so that it search-able and other people will be able to easily and quickly discover that this is a scam.

First Email

Name: Melissa
E-mail Address: melissalood1987@gmail.com
Phone #:
Affiliation: Birthmother
Comments: ----------------------------------
Dear adoptive parents i am considering the the adoption of my lovely baby Cerli. She is 6 months old. Due to the circumstances that has brought me to taking this decision which has not been easy, i just wish that baby Cerli goes to a home that she will grow up with parental love and care. I read through your profile and was strongly moved so i decided to contact you since you would be very good adoptive parents for baby Cerli. I will wait to here from. Here is my email address you can contact me for more information.have a nice day.

Second Email

Good day ***** and ******,
I want to first of all ask how you both spent your weekend ?
Baby Cerli is doing find and she can't wait to be in her new home.
I stay in East Sussex ,in a place called Brighton . It is a nice place
but i do not really like it much. Brandon(Cerli's father) died a few
weeks after his right were terminated . He had a car crash, I really
don't want to talk about it since it makes me feel really bad , It is
sad situation we have,
About my family , I am the first from a family of three and the only
girl , my father is on a wheel chair and lives with my brothers in
Ireland ,My mother died while i was still in High School. They are all
supportive on my idea about considering Adoption for baby Cerli,
I also have some questions to ask both of you as well. I think this
would make us get to know each other very well too. Since i am
considering you as Adoptive Parents for baby Cerli ,i would like to
know the following information about you :
What state do you live in?
What religion are you?
Do have have any other children?
Why do you want to adopt?
How do your family and friends feel about adopting children?
Do you have any pets?
What kind of schools do you intend to send baby Cerli to?(private / public)
How did you and Lincoln meet?
How long have you and Lincoln been married?
How big is your extended family?
What do you do during holidays?
What are your hobbies?
Are you willing to give me the type of contact Such as visits,
pictures, videos, letters, etc after Adopting?
How often ?
I am really sorry about all the questions but it is a hard decision i
am making and i want the best for baby Cerli , that is why i am taking
time to ask all the questions which would make me get to know the kind
of couple and family you are , and also the kind of home baby cerli
would be leaving for.Please also feel free to ask any information or
questions about me or baby Cerli , i would be very happy to answer to
your questions. I have been discussing with mr willian connor a lawyer
helping us through this adoption process . He promise to get in
contact with you and ******* .
Hope to read from you soon.
Melissa Mckayla.

You will notice that these two emails were riddled with red flags that are mentioned on the ABC Adoptions site.

3. We contact our case worker or lawyer (depending on the situation) and ask them to verify pregnancy.

4. We pray and we listen to the Spirit.

I will add another one here that was pretty obvious from the get-go.

Name: kelly amber
E-mail Address: kellyamber02@yahoo.com
Phone #:
Affiliation: Birthfather
Comments: ----------------------------------
hello, my name is kelly amber from belgium. saw your profile. i am 18 years old and my girlfriend is much younger. she got pegenant and because we are God fearing people we decided not to put away the baby, but bless a family with it. we want a family who will teach this baby the right morals of life and let him know about God. we are giving away this baby because we dont consider ourself fit to take care of him we are still too young and we want to further our studies. this baby will be born in 2 months. can you please get back to us . my email adress is kellyamber02@yahoo.com

I hope that none of you ever have to go through a long, emotional, and drawn out experience with an adoption scam artist. Be aware, be alert, and be careful. Our miracles will find us in God's due time.

The Blind Side

2010-01-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

I finally saw The Blind Side in a theater, no less! (I haven't seen a movie in the theater since the first Lord of the Rings movie.) It was wonderful. I loved it. Everyone should see it.

Thank you to Michael Oher and the Touhy Family for sharing their amazing story with all of us. You give us all hope.

National Adoption Awareness Month

2009-11-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

There are times when my experiences with adoption have been heart breaking. However, there are two reasons that I always am and always will be incredibly grateful for adoption. . .

I am enjoying my Thanksgiving visit with these two wonderful people and their equally adorable brother.

Thank you all for joining me for celebrating adoption with me this month. I look forward to continuing this celebration with all of you throughout the coming year.

A Hopeful Adoptive Dad's Perspective on Waiting

2009-11-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am so happy to introduce you all to my very favorite person in the world, my amazing husband Lincoln, who is my guest blogger today. He is here to give all of you a glimpse into the mind of a typically very internet shy creature, the hopeful adoptive dad.

Today was a great example of what we do while we are waiting to bring our next child. We enjoy ours. So, finding ourselves in Dallas we went to the DWA (Dallas World Aquarium).

Nothing like a family drive to start the day. It gives us time to chat and get on the same page.

Spending time with our extended family provides us with easy going chatter and a pleasant way to recharge.

On our path of adoption we sometimes think we see something bright and beautiful and...

and sometimes it IS.

While we enjoyed the day it always felt like something was watching us.

At an aquarium who would guess that it was a iridescent turkey. This guy wasn't going to let us out of his sight.

So, while our road of adoption has be bumpy it's days like these that remind us why we want to adopt in the first place.

How Can I Help a Foster Child?

2009-11-27T18:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry you didn't hear from my yesterday. We actually had our Thanksgiving today, as we were traveling on Thursday. I didn't have internet access for pretty much the entire day. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. On Sunday I will be sharing with you a special post about two reasons that I am very thankful for adoption.

Today I would like to post about some things that you and I can do to make a world of difference in the life of one (or more) of our countries most vulnerable children.

There are many ways that you can help a foster child. . .

1. Of course the thing that these children need the very most is a permanent home and family or at least a more permanent home and family. I hope that all of us are periodically evaluating our family situations to determine if we are in a position to be a foster parent or to add to our family through the miracle of foster-adoption.

However, I realize that many of us are not currently in the position to do either of these things, but there are other things that we can do to help a foster child.

2. Become a Mentor for a foster child. Foster children with a mentor miss fewer days of school, are more likely to go to college, and are less likely to abuse alcohol or other substances. You can find out more about becoming a mentor at mentoring.org or about become a virtual mentor at vmentor.com.

3. Become a CASA. A Court Appointed Special Advocate is a volunteer, specially trained, and willing to engage themselves in the case of one abused or neglected child to make recommendations to the court to help ensure that the system does not fail to find a safe and loving home for this child. Learn more about becoming a CASA.

4. Become a respite care provider. Foster parents need a break just as much or even more than every other parent, and yet there are legal restrictions on who they can turn to help with their children. Become a respite provider to help current foster parents from getting burned out or frustrated, and helping children remain in a single foster home for a longer period of time. Call your state Department of Social and Human Services to find out about become a respite provider.

5. Volunteer at a local foster care agency. We all know about the overwhelming caseloads that most social workers face. Find a foster care agency in your area, call them, find out if they could use and extra pair of hands.

--
http://209.59.152.208/help/ for more info

Are You Ready to be a Christmas Present to Samuel?

2009-11-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

I subscribe to Deborah Mumm's Adoption Highway e-mail newsletter. Today when I opened my email I had an email from her concerning a little boy who needs a family desperately. She had been contacted by Stephanie who is the adoptive mother of seven wonderful children, and getting ready to add 3 more. This is what Stephanie wrote and asked any who were willing to pass it along. I hope that someone is reading this who recognizes these few words about a sweet little boy are written about their child.

"Samuel needs a home & FAST"....

Hello all. This little one doesn't have much time left if something is not done. I'll cut to the chase. The agency I use has asked me to help them find a home for a little 6yo boy whose time is running short in life. See, Samuel also resides in the same area as one of our children (not saying whether it is present or future children as to not to disclose location). I will however, give you the location if you contact me privately as to what country it is. Samuel is a wonderful kid. Actually, so great in fact that we had truly considered adding him to our family first! He is well behaved, cute as can be, sweet personality. Growing pretty well.
Medically, Samuel does have a shunt. However, this does not slow him down nor cause him problems. I do know someone that can tell you more about a shunt as she has a son w/ one. She said many people are scared of them but really not necessary to be. Her son also gets along just fine. I have seen Samuel in action on video. I would not hesitate adding him to our family. He is said to be a little developmentally slow but this is very typical of a child in an institution. Remember, Nik came home to us at an 18 month level when he was 4yo. He was also considered slow and retarded. He caught up w/in the year and is now very gifted academically. So, you just never know. The fees for this little boy have been reduced lower than I have ever seen in a long time. VERY reasonable for an adoption as they are truly just concerned of his well being at this time. He is scheduled to be moved to an institution in mid-December if they don't have a family commit to him soon. This would truly be
tragic to waste his life. He has unlimited potential and just seems like such a sweetheart. This is very hard for me b/c I do feel connected to him and am not ready for him to be sent to an institution. I know his forever family has to be reading this.
If you can't be his family, at least spread the word about him to everyone you know. This institution has some very aggressive and very bad kids in it. He is suspected not to survive long there if he goes. Would be a tradgedy for sure. Please help to rescue Samuel and save his life. This is not just another orphan needing a home. Many will overlook Samuel b/c they consider him very special needs. I have adopted many children at this very age he is. They are great, adjust fairly easily. Help me get the word out about this wonderful little boy that needs a helping hand from across the ocean. I can not tell you what it would mean to me for us to be able to find him a home in less than two weeks. I know we can do it if we try. Spread the word on facebook , on your blogs, to your friends, whereever & whoever you can. It will make a difference and will indeed save a life. I know things would most likely be expedited in this adoption case. It would be a whirlwind for a family as the
y are really trying to get him out soon.
Write me privately at boydbunch@gmail.com for more details of fees and country location. I am not allowed to share the photos online in a public place. That would be something the agency would do. THere are some kids that just touch you. This one surely has. I've advocated in general in the past & on occassion some specific kids. Samuel is one special kid that truly deserves a shot at a real family. Please make this Holiday Miracle come true for him. Again, this is VERY hard for me as I know where he is. I know what is to come if things are not lined up before December 20th. Have anyone interested write me privately. Sorry I am not allowed to release but a certain amount of info. We must find him a home. Please help. It doesn't cost a dime to spread the word about an orphan in need of a family.
Btw, the fees associated w/ him are very minimal and extremely reasonable. Thanks for taking the time to read this and more than that, spread the word. We're running out of time. Samuel is running out of time. We can save his life this Christmas, we truly can if we work together.

Our New Physical Profile

2009-11-24T14:35:00.000-08:00

I updated our physical profile this weekend. It isn't 100% done, I want to add two more pages, but this is what went to LDSFS this morning, as this is what I was able to get done. I like it quite a bit.

Click on each page to view it full size, down load it, print it, share it, love it. . . :)

I am especially happy with what I decided to do for the last page. It is a word cloud of our Dear Birth Parent letter. Here it is big enough to see it.

VBDBKXZK9Z5P

Lightening the mood

2009-11-21T23:59:00.000-08:00

Link and I went out with some friends tonight for one of their birthday's to a Karaoke bar. It was HYSTERICAL! We had so much fun. We will be looking forward to doing this again soon.

I forgot my camera (for shame!) - but a friend took a few photos of us being silly on her iphone and emailed them to me (thanks S.!)

And the answer to your next question. . . Cher's "The Shoop Shoop Song (It's in His Kiss)" with Lincoln sitting there on a bar stool while I sang to him/ for him/ about him.

What's Your Take?

2009-11-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

Did you miss me yesterday? That's right, I didn't achieve my goal of blogging EVERY day this month. We didn't have internet service for much of the day yesterday. Such is life. . .

Image (of course) from the (amazing) Eric Carle Book Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?

Link and I talked to an adoption facilitator today. It was an interesting conversation. Their average wait time is between 2 and 4 months. We don't pay them unless we are matched and if that match falls through they roll over our payment until we have a successful placement. Sounds good right? Well there is a problem. . .

I am bothered by the fact that their fee schedule is based upon race (highest fee for white babies, and decreasing as the combined skin color of the birth parents darkens.) I understand that this is a result of a very high demand for healthy white infants. That fact also bothers me, although I appreciat that most adoptive couples are white and many simply want a child who looks like they do. I don't want assume that people are racist because they want their child to look like they look, but as hard as I try, I just can't help but attribute at least some of that to racism. . . the best I can do is hope that it only accounts for a very small percentage of that gap in demand.

Link and I are open to all races.* We are all too aware of the potential (likely) difficulties that bi-racial families can face, and we feel that we are prepared to face those challenges. However, I can't fault someone for being honest enough to say, "no, we don't feel like we are capable of handling those issues in a constructive way."
(*except Native American, simply because neither of us is Native American and we can't afford the additional legal fees associated with a likely ICWA mess)

Would it bother us if we ended up paying a lot less money for a black or bi-racial child? I don't know. It would be nice to be able to afford to adopt again sooner because the first adoption wasn't so financially demanding. Would we feel bad if we adopted a white baby and then could not afford to adopt any more children because of the cost?*
* Not taking fee-free adoptions into account, but that is a topic for another time (another time in the near future.)

I know this can be a very emotional topic, so let's all mind our manners, but I would like to ask all of you what you think. . . (feel free to answer any of the following questions or just jump in with your own views.)

Should agencies and facilitators charge the same for the adoption of a black or bi-racial baby as they do for the adoption of a white baby?
What about the problem that many agencies with an equal fee schedule face of not being able to find adoptive families for some of their darker skinned babies?
How do you all feel about the unequal demand for white babies over all other races? Do you think it is fair, right, appropriate for white families to prefer to adopt white children?
What about the lack of Black, bi-racial, Hispanic, Native American, etc. families who want to adopt. . . is it simply a symptom of a social-economic divide or is it something else?
Do you think lower fees to adopt darker skinned children might attract more families of the same race?

Avoiding Scams

2009-11-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

Lincoln and I do a lot of "finding." I have shared some of the things that we do with you, and will be sharing others.

We have been officially "waiting" for 10.5 months. In that time we have been matched 4 times, we have been the target of a scam at least 4 times (more actually, but some are so obvious that they don't warrant anything more than the click of my delete button in my email or the erase button on my phone. Those I don't count.) We have also been contacted by at least 5-6 other expectant parents who are considering adoption, but haven't made up their minds yet. We've talked on the phone to many expectant parents, we met one for lunch to answer questions about adoption. . . we haven't yet been successful, but it hasn't been for lack of activity.

If you are going to be proactive in finding, you are going to attract scammers. Why do people do this? Sometimes they are hoping to con you out of money. Some of them are simply looking for attention. All of them are sick. Here are the things that we have learned about weeding out scammers and dealing emotionally with the constant up and down.

A. The first thing we do is consult this very helpful article written by ABC Adoptions. If any of these things come up, we take additional measures to investigate the situation.

1. Usually the motivation for birthmother scams are to take your money. She needs money for rent, food, etc. Only give money to a birthmother-to-be through an attorney or qualified adoption professional. The amount limits and circumstances vary by state law. Do not give money directly to a birthmother.

2. If the birthmother is not available by phone and wants to call you because of an on going situation, beware! You should have a contact number and complete physical address that you can verify.

3. A birthmother may not even be pregnant or could be pregnant and has other plans for the baby, including keeping the baby or promising the baby to several waiting adoptive parents. Look for those signs.

4. The birthmother has at least one or more crisis in her life and you are part of the solution. This can include sad stories such as rape and incest. Be sensitive, but do not be drawn into the whole situation.

5. The birthmother offers a plan to bring the baby to you. Birthmothers usually want you to meet her and arrange to receive the baby at the hospital. This ploy is used to get a plane ticket which can be cashed in later. Do not give anyone a plane ticket. Many adopting parents have lost money by purchasing a plane ticket and never hearing from the, supposed, birthmother again

5. To have a match, you must meet face to face with the expectant mother. Big flag, the birthmother flakes out. She misses scheduled meetings with you or other professionals. Even with an unbelievable story she can be very convincing.

6. Proof or pregnancy or other documents are agreed upon, but never seem to arrive. She seems to always have a reason for not sending you identifying information or cannot believe that you have not received the information. A sudden miscarriage or hospitalization can happen when you request for too much information.

7. The birthmother does not want you to contact anyone else concerning her pregnancy. She does not feel comfortable meeting or talking with an attorney or other adoption professional. When pressed, she might accuse you of not trusting her and can even get angry.

8. The birthmother will not give you, but will get you the name of her doctor or clinic where she is receiving medical attention.

9. The birthmother will evade certain details regarding medical attention, signing parental rights, contacting social services or adoption professionals.

10. The birthmother changes her story about the pregnancy or her situation. If a birthmother is talking to several adoptive parents, her story can change because she cannot remember what she said to you.

11. Be careful if the birthmother is expecting twins. This is a popular situation with an adoption scam. In the natural course, ask for proof of pregnancy and how are you able to contact her doctor.
12. A favorite ploy is for someone to fix you up with a friend. That person might pose as an adoptive parent and not an adoption professional. Be careful that the friend is not the same person. If both have the same IP address watch out!
13. Fake birthmothers are very willing to match quickly and will say you are perfect, without knowing much about you. They are going to send you pictures and other thing, but never do.
14. They have always had complications with the pregnancy.....they usually claim when you cannot find them that they were at the emergency room.
15. The birthmother does not like or want to deal with an attorney or other adoption professional. She has had a bad experience with an attorney and does not want to work with them again.
16. The truth of the matter is that you need to get down to adoption business. Small talk is necessary, but keep it in prospective. The phone meetings are to establish if you are suited for a "match" and if yes, then both parties need to get the necessary paper work in order.

B. The next thing we always do is to do an internet search for their name and email address. We have discovered two very legitimate sounding contacts were scams this way.

C. We then search the Yahoo Group "Adoption Scams" for the potential birth parent's name and email address.

D. We also always ask them to look at our adoption blog. We keep detailed statistics on who visits our blog. We always ask them where they are from, and verify that someone from that city viewed our blog between our first and second conversations.

Some of the other "further actions" we have taken are:

had a background check run on a prospective b-parent (it was scary.)
hired an attorney in the expectant parent's state to determine if she was legitimate.
asked expectant parents to meet with a caseworker in their state to verify pregnancy and asked them to allow the case worker to talk with prospective birth mom's doctor. (She told us she was expecting twins, she wasn't.)

E. Above all, trust your instincts. If something sounds off to you, it probably is.

There are several other places that you can become educated about potential adoption scams and what to look for.

There is an Adoption Voices Group called "How to Avoid Being Scammed" that may be helpful to check.
AdoptionScams.net is another place that you can search and become educated.

The EMOTIONAL ASPECT of vetting out the potential birth parents who contact you can really take a tole. It gets easier the more that you do it, that is because you get better at determining what sounds strange and what sounds real.

Link and I have come up with a good cop, bad cop routine that has helped us a lot. He assumes that anyone that contacts us is a scammer. I assume that anyone (within reason- anyone from South Africa is OUT) is a real expectant parent and we proceed from there. Lincoln checking me to make sure I do not get too emotional and I checking him to make sure he doesn't damage the potential relationship.

It is hard, and while it gets easier, my heart STILL leaps when I open my email box to find an email that could potentially be THAT email, or get a text message or a phone call. . . Even though none of them have ultimately been THE MESSAGE that will eventually lead us to our new family member, four of them have been close, and two of them have been very very close.

This has kept me from giving up, from just throwing in the towel and saying, "forget it, there are nothing but crazies out here." FAITH and TRUST IN GOD are the main weapons in combating adoption fatigue. You will still have doubt (I know I do) but "Perfect LOVE casteth out fear" (1 John 4:18) and the love Link and I have for our future children may not yet be perfect but it is fierce. It is certainly strong enough to look that fear in the face and say,

YOU WILL NOT DETER US!

I would also like to add that hopeful adoptive parents are not the only ones who are at risk of being the victims of adoption scams. Potential birth parents are also face some risk of matching with unethical adoptive parents. That, however, is an entire different post. You can read more about the warning signs of that kind of adoption scam in the Adoption ABC article I mentioned above.

Triad Tangents - Book Review: Sam's SIster

2009-11-16T22:29:00.000-08:00

We always talk about the adoption triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. It forms a strong and powerful picture in our minds.

The reality, however, is that there are many many other people who have an interest in any adoption.

And this only shows the immediate families of each member of the triad, this does not include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. There are so many people who's lives and hearts will be affected by an adoption. I hope that each of them recognizes it as the miracle that it is. However, it also means a loss for many of those loved ones. One group of people, in particular, that will forever be affected are the older or future children of the birth parents.

This is a book for those sweet little children to whom adoption must seem terribly confusing. As Rosa's Mommy helps her to understand her brother's adoption, she is less confused and discovers happiness in being Sam's Sister.

*BE PREPARED TO CRY*

Sam's Sister
by Juliet C. Bond
Illustrated by Dawn. W. Majewski

This book is perfectly written and beautifully illustrated. Here is a brief synopsis of this heart breaking and heart warming book.

The story is told by Rosa

"When I was five, something very special happened. . ."

Rosa was worried about her Mommy, she was not acting like herself. Rosa asked her Mommy what is wrong, and her mommy told her what she had been so worried about. There was a new baby growing in her tummy. She explained to Rosa that they could not take care of this new baby, she told her about all of the things a new baby needs and how they could not get any of those things.

Rosa's Mommy told her about a family who want a baby to love.

"Will they take me too?" Rosa askes
"No way, Jose'" was Mommy's reply. She hugged her tight and reassured her.

"Do you love the baby in your tummy?"
"Yes, we will love him, too. He just won't live with us."

Rosa had a lot of questions to ask her Mommy as her tummy grew bigger. Her Mommy answered each question and helped her understand. She went with her mommy to meet the baby's new mommy and daddy. They gave her a blank coloring book so that she could color pictures and write stories for her little brother.

When it was time for the baby to come. Rosa stayed with her aunt and in the morning went to the hospital. The baby's name was Sam. Rosa was very excited to meet him and to help her Mommy choose a middle name for Sam.

Later Rosa went home with her Mommy and Sam went home with his new mommy and daddy. When they got home, Rosa and her Mommy read a letter Sam's new parents had written to them promising to take such good care of Sam.

Sometimes Rosa cried or had nightmares about missing Sam. Her Mommy was sad sometimes too, even though they knew that Sam's new mommy and daddy loved him very much. They talked to a counselor about their sad feelings.

Sam's new mommy and daddy also called them every week and sent pictures of him. He and Rosa had the same favorite song. Rosa and her Mommy went to visit Sam and she was happy that he laughed when she sang them their favorite song.

At the end of the book are the words, both in Spanish and English, to Rosa and Sam's favorite song.

I cried big alligator tears when I read this. Not only was Rosa's Mommy very brave, so was Rosa.

Juliet Bond is a counselor with a well respected adoption agency in Illinois. In her research, she found that as many as 60% of birth parents have a child they are parenting at the time of placement. She wanted to give those parents a tool to help their children deal with the grief and loss of having a sibling adopted. She wanted this book to provide comfort and peace to the birth families who are making such an important life decision.

Thank you Juliet for writing such a beautiful and powerful book.

2009-11-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends, I am still trying to recover from this cold, which seems to be getting worse, not the other way around. I am told this may have something to do with my inability to rest and let my immune system have the extra energy it needs to work its magic. (lame)

So instead of my intended post, go ahead and enjoy the entertainment my adorable boy and sweet husband provided me with this evening as I "rested" on my couch.

Get Out There

2009-11-14T22:20:00.000-08:00

I know it's not Friday, but I was busy spending quality time with my girlfriends yesterday. . . :)

All of us have our online profiles up with our agency or lawyer. Many of us also have blogs, websites, and/or facebook pages. A few of us also have an additional profile up on ParentProfiles.com.

Now think of all the zillions of websites out there, even just adoption related sites. (Google turns up 88,700,000 sites for the word "adoption".) These poor birth mothers are searching for the "perfect" family for their child in a digital haystack. Now of course most of us believe that God is directing their search, but we can help make that search for us a little easier by increasing the number of places that they can find us.

It is true that increasing our presence on the web can get expensive. There are a few places, however, that offer free or low priced profiles for hopeful adoptive parents. Here are a few that I think I will utilize, please tell us if you know of any others.

My Adoption Profile

Parent Gallery

these are not free but low cost

Potential Parents

Adoptions Open

Seek out Support

2009-11-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

Tonight I spent the evening knitting, talking, and generally being uplifted by four of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure to know. I truly have incredible friends.

What does this have to do with adoption, you ask?

You may be able to get through the intense emotional roller coaster of adoption on your own, but you will come through it stronger, happier, and more grateful for the journey if you surround yourself with friends who cheer with you, mourn with you, pray for you, and give you the opportunity to do the same for them.

Adoption requires you to open up your heart. It isn't always easy, it leaves you vulnerable, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Practice on your friends. . . and the blessings that follow will astound you.

Book Review Repost

2009-11-12T21:08:00.001-08:00

OK friends, I am super tired and don't have the brain power tonight for anything worth reading, so I'm reaching back a year into the archives and pulling out my very first adoption book review. It was a helpful book for me when we first embarked on our adoption journey. I would recommend it to anyone considering adoption.

The Adoption Decision - 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Laura Christianson

This book review will come with a disclaimer that this is the first adoption book I have read, so keep that in mind.

This is a Christian centered book. Christianson refers to it as a:

"how to for the heart"- a guide through the critical heart issues you'll encounter during the adoption process and after you bring home your child. (p. 10)

She starts out with a glossary of adoption terms, something I thought was a great idea, but would have liked to be more extensive.

The first chapter is a guide to communicating with the people around you (friends, family, obnoxious busy bodies) as you begin your adoption journey. She has some excellent suggestions on how to handle a variety of responses and questions that you are likely to field.

Next she deals with the emotions and reactions that both you and others will have once your child arrives home. This was one my my favorite chapters, as I find Chrsitanson's dry reactions to some astonishing comments about her children, very fitting.

I've been married to the same man for 25 years and I can attest that biologically unrelated people possess the capacity to bond.

The most valuable part of the book for me personally was chapter 4, A Labor of Love. I appreciated the Christianson's candor about the home study, about the personal questions you will be asked and expected to answer, and the emotions you will encounter as you qualify the special needs you may or may not be willing to accept in your child.

Other chapter's include dealing with the emotional aspects of infertility (and the insensitivity you may encounter,) a personal perspective on meeting birth parents, and overcoming the trauma of failed placements. She also covers international adoption, adopting children of a different ethnicity than your own, and gives a look into the lives and coping mechanisms of families whose children have severe developmental, emotional, or behavioral challenges.

Throughout the book Christianson gives examples of her topic from the Bible and reminds us of the continual support and love of our Father in Heaven. Some may find this aspect of the book distracting, but she effectively positions these portions of her book in such a way that, if desired, they can be skimmed over without missing any of the information in the chapter.

Again, this is the first adoption related book I have read, so my experience is very limited, however, I found this book useful, uplifting, and a welcome look into the more personal and emotional aspects of adoption that I have been concerned about.

Thank you Laura for a valuable book.

(this review was originally posted at fsawa.blogspot.com on August 29, 2008)

Word Bird Winner

2009-11-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

I know you were all waiting with baited breath to hear WHO the winner of the WORD BIRD from Birth Mother Baskets is. . . oh, you mean you all have lives and haven't been sitting there hitting "refresh" every 20 seconds all day. Well, good that actually makes me feel better about not getting to it until tonight. (I was busy too today, doing very lame grown up things like buying life insurance and less lame grown up things like getting our family photos taken.)

This is the lovely winner of the adorable {word bird}. Layla, who blogs at The Grass is Greener and recently took a trip to Europe that has left me a little green with envy. (beautiful photography!)

A good friend of mine lost a child to still birth and wasn't able to get pregnant again. It caused a lot of heartach and pain for her. In the past year she has adopted a little boy and her life seems more complete. She is much happier and it is all thanks to a young birth mother.

Thanks for your comment, Layla!

View From the Center

2009-11-10T23:37:00.000-08:00

You all thought I wasn't going to post my promised fabulous post today, didn't you. Ah, well, I am getting in just under the wire!

It is my pleasure to introduce you to my dear friend Tabitha. Tabitha was in the room of new mothers the day I first (in a very messy and emotional manner) publicly faced the fact that I would never bare another child, and confessed my anxiety about our planned course of adoption. I didn't know Tabitha then, but I believe that angles arranged for the two of us to be there that day. She approached me after the new moms' group and offered her support, as a nurse who understood the medical trauma I had been through, as a friend, and as a woman who had been adopted as an infant.

Tabitha has been a source of constant support and encouragement to me through our adoption journey. I am so grateful for her friendship. I am honored that she has agreed to share her adoption story with us as part of our National Adoption Awareness Celebration.

Tabitha, her husband Thom, and their beautiful daughter.

My Adoption Story

After waiting for months and months (thirteen to be exact) my mother decided to call the case worker at Children’s Home Society, again. “Oh my goodness, didn’t my secretary call you?” was the response my mom got. “There is a baby girl for you.” They came to see me the next day. They say I didn’t cry; I just looked at them. My dad drove 20-miles an hour the whole way home.

One of my favorite parts of the story is when my folks were in a pre-adoption class with a dozen or so other prospective parents and the leader was asking the parents how they would “handle the problem" of telling their child they were adopted. Everyone went took a turn to discuss strategies. My folks were the last ones to answer the question. My dad, who apparently never spoke in class, answered this question with a simple question, "What problem?" My dad brags that they were the first from that group to have a child placed with them.

My parents told my adoption story with the same reverence that other parents tell birth stories. They created such an overwhelming sense of normalcy surrounding my adoption that I never even questioned that it could be different. Why would it? It is a part of who I am.

I was five-weeks old when I was placed because I was born with hip dysplasia, a condition which required me to be in a brace for my first three months. Because things were done differently back then, I was in the hospital for four weeks, and then one week with a foster parent before my mom made the check in phone call to the case worker.

They had to wait 6-months before the adoption was final. My mom says it was the most difficult time in her life. Mom says she was on pins and needles feeling like I could be snatched away at anytime, once the papers were signed and official, she said she could finally breathe again.

My favorite story growing up was, “The Chosen Baby” by Valentina Pavlovna Wasson, published in 1950. It is incredibly dated and over simplistic, but I loved it so much I later shamelessly plagiarized it for a high school literary project.

I never had that rebellious "I'm going to go find my REAL parents" fight with my folks because they WERE my real parents. Not to say that I didn't have some raging arguments with my parents, but I was so secure in my place in our family, the thought didn't occur to me. To this day, especially now that I have my own daughter, I truly don't feel like I am any less attached to my mom and dad than my daughter is attached to my husband and me.

A question that always comes up is if I have ever found my birth-parents. I have not. For the classic 1970's "closed" adoption I am fortunate to know a bit about my birth-parents. Birth mom was 19, birth dad was 17. I know a little medical history, ethnicity, and social interests. It isn’t much more than a 4-5 page questionnaire but it makes be believe that both my birth parents were involved in the adoption. I was raised with the knowledge that my birth parents wanted to do what they felt was best for me. I never felt “given away” or rejected. I know in my heart that theirs was the most thoughtful of decisions. They didn’t get to choose who would parent me, they put their faith in a system and it worked. My parents weren’t rich, in fact there were times we were quite poor when I was growing up. But that didn’t matter; I grew up with the right parents. And, the children who created me, lets face it, 17 & 19 really are still children, were able to grow up and live there own lives.

I am curious, especially for a more detailed medical history and to know if I might have any half-siblings out there (I am an only child), but I haven't actively sought them out. I would take that sort of relationship very seriously and once that door is opened it cannot be closed again. There are times, I feel like I have this nice little story in my head, a story I am happy and comfortable with, one from which no good would come if it were torn to shreds. There are times, I feel like I have so little time for my existing family that to embark on a search and possibly develop a new relationship would take more emotional fortitude than I can muster. I also know that no one has tried to seek me out either. I was born in the same city near where I was raised and where I currently live, so the search itself probably wouldn't be that hard. I may open that door someday, but not right now.

Right now, I am focusing on my family, living my life, knowing that adoption is part of who I am and who I will always be.

Adoption Bloggers

2009-11-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

I have a cold. It's Monday, but there will be no Matching Monday until I get permission from WA state to continue doing it. (I am working on that.) I have a great post for tomorrow and another one lined up for Wed. In the mean time, check out some of the other adoption bloggers that I follow.

Enjoy - and leave me the URLs of other adoption blogs you think I should be following.

AND- Remember that tomorrow is the last day that you can enter to win an adorable WORD BIRD to support BIRTH MOTHER BASKETS.

Grief

2009-11-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

In my upstairs hallway there is a duffel bag. It’s a smallish duffel bag, well made, plum color with deep green accents. My parents gave it to me when I was a sophomore in high school. I’ve used it continually since then, it even went to the Philippines with me on my mission. You wouldn’t know it by looking at it that it’s nearly 15 years old, it is in very good condition. I guess that you might say I’m emotionally attached to this bag, as much as a person can be attached to a bag.

It comes into my view as I walk up my stairs to where our bedrooms are. Sometimes I avoid looking at it. Sometimes I stop and stare at it. Sometimes it grabs ahold my heart and squeezes it so terribly terribly hard. You see, that bag is packed for trip that it never took. It is filled with tiny pajamas, swaddling blankets, burp cloths and special glass bottles. I can’t see those little things, but I know they are there.

I can’t bring myself to unpack that bag or even move it. I haven’t opened it. I don’t want to touch it. My duffle bag has become a small, discrete coffin for the dreams of a child that will never come home. It is the only evidence of the heart break that we have suffered.

When will my very rational self take over, realize that a duffle bag does not belong in a hallway, that we will need to use that bag the next time we take a family trip? I don’t know. It feels like it never will. I wonder, will I just go buy another bag or will necessity force me toward the shaking and sobs and despair that my little coffin will unleash?

Really though, I’m not afraid of the tears. There have all ready been so many. I’m afraid of loosing the only thing I have left of him. A child that I lost, but who is not dead. A son who grew in my heart and then was ripped from it. A baby whom I will never raise, not here, not in the eternities.

And so, a smallish duffel bag remains sitting in my upstairs hallway.

(Please take this only as an expression of my personal loss, and do not derive from it any anger toward K.’s mother. K. is not my son, he is A.’s son, and he is not the child I grieve over. He is a miracle that we celebrate with her. He is the possibility and the child that she would have grieved had she been able complete the placement. We grieve the possibility and the child he could have been as part of our family, but isn’t.)

A Parenthood Coach! YES!

2009-11-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

Adoptive parents face an unusual situation. We can go from "no baby" to "baby" with one phone call. Our pregnancies can last 1 week, 9 months, 3 years - the real problem is that we JUST. DON'T. KNOW.

With this problem comes the question of when to purchase baby gear. Do you buy a crib and then face the potential of seeing it empty for two years, reminding your of the seeming interminable wait? Do you not buy anything and then have to rush in making some very important purchases? What if you are called at 3am and told to board a plane the next morning to pick up your baby on the other side of the country (or the world.)

Today I learned about an amazing company that solves this problem for you.

Welcome to Itsabelly Baby Planners!

What is a Baby Planner?
Just as you may be entirely capable of planning your own wedding, doing your taxes, cleaning your house, creating a physical fitness plan or painting your toenails, summoning assistance to prepare for a huge life transition can be tremendously helpful. Or maybe you're on bed rest, expecting multiples, going through an intense adoption process or surrogacy and just want expedient real-time information from someone who knows all the latest safety research about car seats or how to choose baby gear that fits your life style and budget. Itsabelly Baby Planners offers useful services to meet a wide range of needs, from freeing up extra time for enjoying the precious moments of your pregnancy to baby proofing your home to protect your little one from danger.

I talked to Windy Gossett, the It's a Belly baby consultant here in Seattle and asked her "if I got 'the call' tomorrow could you be there to help me prepare my nursery in one day?" She said "yes" and went on to tell me how this adoption friendly company even teaches parenting prep classes along with one of their partners, Open Adoption and and Family Services.

It's a Baby has consultants in Portland, Altlanta, Chicago, San Francisco, Seattle, Toronto, and Vancouver. They also do phone and email consultations to anywhere in the US and Canada.

Finding Friday

2009-11-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

Several adoption bloggers in the adoption blogging world :) have begun featuring ways that families who are searching for the birth parents of their child can reach out and make their presence known. I love this idea and so, here I go *jumps on band wagon*!

I am passionate (OK- obsessed) with finding. I have spent A LOT of time doing this. Yes, I think it has been worth it, even though we have not yet been able to adopt. We were matched the first time after only 6 months, the average waiting time is 2-3 years. Yes, I have faith in finding.

One of my favorite ways that I have reached out to friends and family (and their friends and family) is through our facebook group page.

There are currently 324 wonderful people keeping their eyes, ears, and hearts open for the woman or couple who will eventually join our family as birth parents. They are thinking of our family when they hear of a woman facing a crisis pregnancy situation and passing our information along. They are praying for us and supporting us through this often difficult process.

I enjoy sharing the progress of our adoption efforts with our cheer leading team. I share links on touching adoption articles, songs, and situations. I am blessed to be able to help people better understand what adoption is all about.

Go ahead, set up a facebook fan or group page. Start building your own cheering team!

Other Finding Friday Bloggers with great ideas:
The Arizona Experiment
Families Supporting Adoption

Cute Adoption Related Etsy Finds

2009-11-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

Hallmark doesn't make adoption announcements. However, sarahandmargaret do! These beautiful announcements are environmentally friendly (they are serious, read all about it on their profile) and they donate 10% of their proceeds to one of their listed charities.

ALSO!!! They offer a 10% discount for adoptive couples (or those ordering for parties on their behalf.)

These beautiful necklace pendants capture many adoption sentiments for both domestic and international adoption. Seller DosBesitos makes these lovely pendants with maps of your child's country, mother-father-aunt-grandmother-grandfather-etc in various languages, and sweet adoption sentiments. The backs of them can be customized with a birth or gotcha date and a child's name.

Most of you know and love Mrs. R. and The R. House. The newest editions to her always amazing shop are these adorable onesies that will look adorable on your newest little family member. (Also be sure to check out her beautiful adoption related jewelry.)

Last, and also my personal favorite, are these Custom UnNaked Family. You send artist nakedpeggies a picture of your family and she creates an UnNaked family to match yours. (I LOVE THIS!)

"Adopting Teenagers" - Adoptive Families - an amazing familiy

2009-11-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

I just got my Adoptive Families Magazine. I really enjoy this magazine. I look forward to reading it every month.

There is always one or two articles that really stick out to me in each issue. I often highlight them here. This month there was one that really hit me, and I am very excited to share it with you.

"Adopting Teenagers" by Gretchan Thompson is on page 38 of the December 2009 issue.

This is "Team Thompson." They are a pretty amazing family. Gretchan tells you why in her blog description.

Normal is over-rated and not nearly as interesting or fun. The story of how a young, single White girl and two Black teenagers redefine the traditional family model and become the All-American Family.

Notice the words "young" and "girl" - she really wasn't kidding. Gretchan was 25 when she adopted her sons Mychael and Malcolm who were ages 11 and 15 at the time. She writes candidly about her fear, her insecurities, their battles, and most importantly about their joy and their triumphs.

She writes about things that we all take for grated as "normal" and how "un-normal" they become when you are the 25 year old mother of two teen-ages sons. Like. . . dating-

"It’s funny how your biggest priority prior to becoming an adoptive parent becomes your lowest concern once you’ve secured the position. And besides, sometimes it's just about doing the right thing--walking the walk you talk, practicing what you preach."

and what her sons call her. . . (yes, people actually ask them that.)

"Mom, they call me Mom just like I call my Mom...and sometimes when they're pissed at me, they probably call me other things, just like I did with my Mom when I was a young. We're just like every other family. I know that might seem difficult to grasp, but we really are just like everyone else."

And what really makes their story fun to read in addition to being really very interesting is Gretchan's great sense of humor.

"So, thanks, normal people, for forcing us to confront the obvious, find resolution and come out stronger and better in the end.
Oh, and normal people, we appreciate that not everyone can be as strong as us, but don't worry, we still accept you."

Gretchan is working on a book called A Real Family. I am looking forward to reading more about their amazing family. In the mean time be sure to read through Team Thompson's blog.

How Can I Support Birth Mothers?

2009-11-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Birth mothers are the heros of adoption.

They are the ones that make adoption possible.

This month tell them how much their choices, actions, and sacrifices have meant and do mean to you. Tell them that you know they will never forget, and neither will you.

Gina, birth mother to her 9 year old "Butterfly" has provided us with the perfect way to do just that. Gina is the force behind

Birth Mother Baskets,

a charity that creates baskets that new birth mothers can carry with them as they leave the hospital- she does not want them to walk out with empty arms.

"The Birth Mother Baskets {bmb} actually started as a small service project for me to do for Christmas in 2002. I wanted to show support to other birth mothers and let them know it’s ok to talk about your placement, to be proud of your decision. I wanted something that the birth mothers could take home with them, after placement. I didn’t want them to go home with empty arms. That’s when I thought of a gift basket full of items, just for the birth mother, to show her she is not alone. I took ALL the resources I had at that time (which wasn’t much). I then called around to every local business that I thought might donate. My small goal of filling 20 baskets became 60 and I was thrilled with the response. I then distributed them to local hospitals and social services to give to each birth mother.

With such a great outpouring, by those around me, I was able to continue filling baskets for about four years! Some of these donations came from businesses, friends or speaking engagements that I have done here locally. In those four years, I have successfully filled over 300 baskets!!"

Gina has created these adorable word birds to help raise funds to fill these amazing baskets. At only $10, and with the proceeds going to such a great project, this is a great time to be thinking about Christmas presents (sisters, moms, grandmas, friends, who wouldn't love a little word bird?)

You can also donate cash directly to Birth Mother Baskets, or send Gina any of the supplies she lists on her website that she often uses to fill the baskets.

To kick off my month long blog-o-thon in honor of National Adoption Awareness Month

I am giving away one of these adorable word birds!

You want one don't you! (I know I do.)

So you can enter FOUR times.
1. Leave a comment on this post telling me how a birth mother has touched your life.
2. Tweet or Facebook about this contest (with a link back to this post)- then leave me a comment letting me know.
3. Blog about this contest and then leave a comment with a link to your blog.
4. Make a donation of any kind to Birth Mother Baskets and (you guessed it) leave me a comment (no need to tell me what kind of donation or how much, anything is great.)

Please be sure that you leave some way for me to contact you in case you win!

Entries will be open until midnight on Nov. 10th. I will announce a winner on Nov. 11th.

Also, be sure to visit Gina's blog. Her post, sharing with us her journal entry just FOUR DAYS after placement, is so beautiful and enlightening.

Matching Monday's: Washington Edition

2009-11-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

Matching Monday: Washington's Edition is part of The R House's "Matching Monday" campaign. The three main goals of "Matching Monday" are (in Mrs. R's own words. . . )

Give these children and all waiting children more positive exposure.
Help change hearts and minds by allowing people to see who is really waiting for a family...break stereotypes.
Help couples and children come together.

Angelina
12 Years

Angelina is a bright, social and fun loving pre-teen who enjoys participating in youth activities through her church, which include singing in the choir and performing on a dance team. Angelina is a "girlie girl" who takes pride in her appearance and although she probably would not admit it, from time to time she also enjoys "little girl play."

Andrew
10 Years

Andrew enjoys school and reports that his favorite classes are math, reading and art. He also enjoys swimming, skate boarding and anything Star Wars. This past summer, Andrew had the opportunity to go camping with his foster family and attend a overnight summer camp. After these experiences, Andrew discovered that he enjoyed anything outdoors.

Qavy and Karvy
10 Years

Ten year old identical twins Qavyier and Karvyier (know as Qavy & Karvy) want to be adopted together. Both boys have made tremendous growth and progress since they first entered care.

Qavy has discovered that he likes sports, especially basketball and swimming, and he is looking forward to participating in extra curricular activities at school. Bright and capable, school has become a much more positive experience for him

Karvy is and exceptional artist who has been enthused to be able to learn Japanese drawing techniques from his teacher. Like his brother, Karvy enjoys his relationships with the primary adults in his life and enjoys learning from their experiences. Karvy really enjoys most active, outdoor activities and is having a lot of fun participating in a local soccer program

National Adoption Awareness Month

2009-11-01T23:02:00.001-08:00

This month I will be blogging every day in honor of National Adoption Awareness Month.

Topics will include:

How to make a difference in the life of a foster child.
Questions to ask before you consider adoption.
Ways that you can support birth parents and help them become the powerful advocates they have the opportunities to become.
A walk through the approval process.
A couple of adoption give-aways.
A special book review.
Any special requests??? email me at adoptionfyi@gmail.com

Near the end of the month I hope to face my own tears and broken heart as I share with you the story of our adoption journey to date, including our very recent second failed adoption.

Please join me in celebrating adoption this month.

Matching Mondays: Washington Edition

2009-10-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

Daniel
13 years
(Click on his picture to see his entire profile, including a video of Daneil.)

Legally free, DANIEL (2/96) holds a special place in the hearts of the social workers who have known him during his many years in foster care. He is described as endearing and rewarding, yet needing protection. Among Daniel’s endearing traits are his boyish sense of humor, his gentleness with young children, his inquisitiveness and his easy sociability. He is highly motivated to please others and earn rewards. He has many interests, including fishing, drawing, outdoor play and conversation.

Daniel is very eager to find his permanent family. With his out-going personality he has the capability to do well in many different family situations, although a very large family may not be able to meet his needs for attention. Having a dad or a dad figure in his adoptive family who is actively involved in nurturing and parenting would be wonderful for Daniel.

Jason
10 years
(click on his photo to see his entire profile including a video of this adorable boy!)

JASON (3/99) loves to play outdoors, riding his bike, shooting hoops, and playing with others. He also enjoys watching cartoons on TV and coloring. Jason, who needs help in structuring his time, absolutely loves to have adults interact with him – he is very responsive to hugs and affection and to parental encouragement and praise. Jason typically follows parental requests and house rules without any problems. Most of the time, he is happy kid. He enjoys going to school and learning new things. He also has a real interest in being part of whatever is going on in the family – he especially likes to help out around the house and to participate in various projects. A handsome boy with a slim build, large, dark eyes and curly hair, Jason has been described by recent foster parents as loving and wanting to behave.

Brandon
1 Year (almost 2)
(click on this little angle's photo to see his entire profile.)

Legally free, BRANDON (11/07) is a darling baby boy who continues to live in the same excellent, loving, and highly skilled foster home where he was placed following his premature and complicated birth.

While Brandon is able to sit, stand, crawl, walk, play with toys, and feed himself using his hands, he has significant development difficulties, some of which will be life-long.

Triumphant Adoption Warriors

2009-10-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

My most elated congratulations to the The R Family, who heard today that (baring an appeal) their contested adoption has been decided in their favor. They love their boys so much, and Baby G. is so lucky to have such wonderful parents who were willing to give all they had to make sure he stayed in their family, right where he belongs.

Be an Adoption Ambassador

2009-10-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

I am a little behind on my Adoptive Families reading. I usually read at the gym and my two year old has decided that he is no longer going to the kid's club there. . . sigh. And so my August edition of Adoptive Families is more ragged and beaten than any other edition, as it has been dragged around, here, there and everywhere so I can grab a bit of it now and then.

I'm not finished with it quite yet, but there is such a great article in there entitled "Be an Adoption Ambassador" that I knew I wanted to share. In it, AF puts forth questions that you are likely to encounter from friends and families along the way, then provides you with the "crib sheet" for those occasions.

Each question has a short answer followed by an in depth explanation, so be sure to check out the entire article.

1. "Was the adoption terribly expensive? How did you afford it?"
"The average cost of an adoption last year was $27,000. Grants and reimbursements can reduce the expense."

2. "How long does it take? Did you wait forever?"
"The average wait to adopt is about two years."

3. "Is it really possible to adopt an American child? Even a newborn?"
"The vast majority of adoptees are U.S.-born. Internation adoptees just tend to be more visible."

4. "Doesn't open adoption confuse your child?"
"Research on kids in open adoption shows that there's no such effect."

5. "Aren't most adoptees troubled?"
"A research study that's been going on for a decade shows that adopted children do just as well as kids raised in their biological families."

6. "How do you know that your adoption was legal? Weren't you afraid of being scammed?"
"The best way to avoid problems is to work with a large, nonprofit agency or with an attorney who specializes in adoption, and to do plenty of reserach before you sign up."

7. "I'd love to adopt -- how do you get started?"
"What kind of child do you thin will best fit your family?"

Matching Monday's: Washington Edition

2009-10-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

Probably many of you read and love Mrs. R. at The R House. She does this great thing every Monday where she features children who are waiting to be adopted out of the foster care system on her blog. Recently, she asked for bloggers who would do the same, focusing on their own states. I am delighted to join the Matching Monday team and bring you for the first time ever:

Matching Monday: Washington Edition
To learn more about any of these children, click on their photo.

Anthony
age 15

You all know I have a special place in my heart for carrot tops don't you?

Bright, attractive, and engaging, ANTHONY (5/94) is an endearing teenager who can be tons of fun. He has a good sense of humor and relates well to adults and to peers. The ease with which he displays good manners in public is nice asset. One of his favorite activities is going out to theaters to see movies. Other pastimes are riding his bike, playing video games and basketball, and spending time with kids in the neighborhood. An avid Mariners fan, he loves baseball. Last year he had the opportunity to go to a Mariners game with seats by home plate. He met the Moose (the team mascot), and received a team jersey. He loved it!
His social worker is most interested in talking with prospective adoptive folks who are adept at using redirection and non-authoritarian ways of parenting to achieve positive results. Anthony really needs to be the youngest or only child in his adoptive family.

James
age 8

JAMES (11/00) is charming, engaging, and social, and he has some other nice strengths, too. He has a good sense of curiosity about the world around him. He takes pride in his appearance and belongings. He enjoys school and is very friendly, often saying hello to everyone who walks by. At his group home, he has done well as one of the younger kids in his cottage and is well liked by staff. He does well with adults in general, especially those who model healthy behavior and boundaries, and interact with him with patience and encouragement. This is a boy who loves to have even a small step forward praised and acknowledged. A big fan of super heroes, James especially loves Batman and Spiderman. He also enjoys collecting Hotwheels. With his love of the water, he enjoys fishing and is currently having fun learning to swim. Among his favorite activities are riding his bike, playing soccer, tossing a Frisbee, and playing video games. He also loves to listen to music.

Because James is so drawn to men, his worker is particularly interesting in hearing from couples where there is a strong, positive dad figure. James would do best as the only child or as the younger of two siblings.

Kenneth
age 5

Kenny has been making wonderful strides over the last months. He is now talking in complete sentences and can make his wishes known (he will tell you if he is tired of doing something). He loves music, playing outside – and he has mastered his two wheeler bike – without the training wheels!

Kenny went to summer school in preparation for starting Kindergarten this fall and it is reported that he knows his colors, shapes, letters and can count to 20. He copies his name and has good gross motor skills, and is well coordinated.

Kenny, who is eligible for DD services, has symptoms characteristic of children who have autism.

Kenny has been with his current foster parents, with his sister, since March 2006. Because the foster parents are in their 60s, they feel they cannot be a permanent resource for Kenny.

Kenny’s social worker is particularly interested in hearing from prospective adoptive parents who have the energy, desire, and commitment to learn to care for and raise a child who offers the challenges and pluses that Kenny brings with him. If there is a family out there who is informed about autism, maybe experienced in raising a child with this condition, and is interested in hearing more about Kenny, we urge you to get in touch with us.

Adoption PostSecret Post Card

2009-10-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

Do any of you read PostSecret?

This sweet adoption post card was on there last Sunday. :)

Book Review: The Third Choice: A Woman's Guide to Placing a Child for Adoption

2009-09-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

This book was recommended to me by a birthmother friend, Desha.

If you are in any way involved with a domestic adoption where the birthmother chose or will choose adoption for her child, you need to read this book.

I have now read dozens of adoption books. This book, far-and-away, is the most important adoption book I have read to date.

This book stretched me and enlarged both my place in and my understanding of the world of adoption. I will admit that as a soon-to-be adoptive mother, there were things written in this book that were difficult to read. However, as I read I became more and more aware of how important each consideration that birthmothers must make are. I realized that I wanted our baby's to-be birthmom to ask herself each of these questions and answer them honestly, because only that would lead to a healthy adoption relationship.

Table of Contents:

Introduction: An Adoption Renaissance
Preface
Chapter 1: Choosing Adoption
Chapter 2: Choosing the Right Adoption for You
Chapter 3: Finding the Right Adoptive Parents for Your Child
Chapter 4: Moving Ahead with Your Adoption Plan
Chapter 5: Your Pregnancy
Chapter 6: Hospital and Birth
Chapter 7: Grief, Loss, and Healing
Chapter 8: The First Year
Chapter 9: Beyond the First Year
Chapter 10: The other Important People: Birthfathers and Family Members
Chapter 11: Circumstances which Require Additional Thought, Planning, and Counseling

One of the most impressive features of this book are the quotes from birthmothers on each topic. These quotes range from the most positive to the most difficult. They provide a healthy spectrum and perspective. Yes, some things about your adoption experience can be great, and some may be terribly difficult. There are no rose colored glasses in this book, however, the authors (Foge and Mosconi,) adeptly illustrate the positive potential of adoption.

In each chapter the authors ask questions that expectant mothers are likely to ask, then they dive right in, answering each question in detail. They include reactions particular to the topic at hand from women who have created an adoption plan.

"How Sure do I have to be?"

". . . It is natural to reevaluate your decision time and time again."

"This does not necessarily mean that you have made the wrong choice or that you will change your mind. It simply means that choosing adoption is a very difficult and complicated decision that , by its very nature, involves conflict."

Chapter three was of great interest to me, and is a great resource for all prospective adoptive parents in addition to all potential birth parents. It explains the home study process and offers suggestions on helping the expectant mom create a "birth parents wish list" (I LOVE IT!) There is also help in preparing to meet a hopeful adoptive couple and a long list of questions that should be asked by the expectant parents and questions that they should expect to be asked.

I will be taking this list to our meeting with our birth parents this week so that I can make sure they know anything they want to know about us and that we don't forget to ask anything important in our excitement!

The last section in this chapter is entitled "Understanding the Prospective of the Adopting Parents." This is the first time that I have ever read something encouraging birth parents to consider how adoptive parents have been affected by their journey and their emotional pasts. It was surprising, healing, and enlightening. Birthmoms are loving compassionate people who make incredibly loving choices for their children. Why would I not expect them to show concern for the emotions of people that, in most cases, they hope to develop a life long relationship with?

The fourth chapter talks about how to handle the relationship with the adoptive parents in a healthy and constructive way. It has a sample Adoption Agreement to help expectant parents (and adoptive parents too) communicate about what they want the adoption to look like. Very helpful.

The next several chapters address the actual pregnancy, delivery, and beyond. They are filled with invaluable counsel for any woman who is creating a birth plan for her baby. These chapters can help a birth mom to think through everything she is going to face and prepare for the experiences and feelings that she is likely to encounter.

Some of the highlights of these chapters include:

What a birthmom might want to pack for her hospital stay (including a letter- much like a birth plan- explaining your decision and asking for support from the medical staff.)
Considering what kind of contact you want to have with your baby, with your friends and family, and with the adoptive couple during your hospital stay.
Ideas for healing ways to say goodbye.
What to do if you have a change of heart.
What your grief may look like at various time periods after placement.
Ideas to help accept grief and promote healing.
How to handle confusing and conflicting emotions.
Preparing for post-placement contact and visits.

The tenth chapter of the book is not written for expectant mothers/ birthmothers. It is written for birthfathers and other members of the birth family.

The eleventh chapter addresses potential situations that require additional consideration, such a placing an older child, or placing with a non-traditional family.

The last and highly valuable resource in this helpful book, is a long list of additional books and resources for potential birth parents.

Let me say again that this is the most valuable book I have read on adoption to date. I feel that my perspective of adoption has changed and grown and that my understanding of a birthmom's experience has been greatly improved. This has increased my empathy and my ability to communicate with our child's birth parents in a more real and relaxed way. Thank you again, Desha, for a great recommendation.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Day

2009-09-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

Families battle an 'invisible disability'
Chicago Tribune by Bonnie Miller Rubin

Adoptee Victor Petersen, 16, who has been diagnosed with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, holds one of his family's cats while his mother, Nancy, talks on the phone. Nancy Petersen, who adopted her son in 1997, struggled for five years to get help for him

FAS is a reality that thousands of adoptive families face. It is a disability that is still widely unrecognized. In addition to educating expectant mothers of the dangers of consuming any alcohol during pregnancy, potential adoptive families need to be educated about the real trials they will face in bringing a FAS child into their families. Families who have a child who may have FAS need to be given resources to advocate for their children.

In the United States, 40,000 children are born each year with FASD--more than spina bifida, Down Syndrome and muscular dystrophy combined, according to the National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Children exposed to alcohol in utero are prone to poor judgment, impulsivity and are often unable to grasp cause and effect. Lifetime costs for one individual with FAS in 2002 were estimated to be $2 million, according to the CDC.

So why no telethons? Ribbons? Marches in Washington?

"There's a lot of stigma associated with alcohol abuse and this spills over into FASD," said Edward Riley, of San Diego State University, and one of the nation's leading researchers on the condition. "For biological parents, it is difficult ... it means they have to be willing to admit that they were a contributor. And for adoptive parents, it means that the perfect family they were looking for might not become a reality."

September 9th is FAS Awareness Day. Be aware, become educated, teach others.

Book Review: The Brotherhood of Joseph

2009-08-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

I checked this book out of our local library three times (for three weeks each time) for my husband, Lincoln to read. I was hoping that it would help him feel more connected to the adoption process. Since the time that we had finished our paperwork he had not really shown a lot of interest or emotion towards the process. That is not to say that he didn't want to adopt anymore, no very much the opposite, he wanted to adopt, he didn't want to wait, search, or learn about adoption. He just wanted it to be done with so that we could get on with being a family. I was hoping that this book would help him out of that. When he finally got around to reading it (after much "encouragement" from me) we both learned a lot about his feelings toward adoption.

He read the first part of the book himself. I didn't read it. He said that it was about the secret lives of adoptive fathers. He told me Hansen got in trouble for all the same things he did. He learned why adoption was so emotional, consuming, and difficult for women, and even picked up a few tips on how to better support me.

It was at the point in the book where the Hansens attend their first adoption meeting that Lincoln began reading the book out loud to me. It is their story, how they survived fear, a dishonest lawyer, longing, and as their final trial- the realization that the child they were matched too, despite being beautiful and healthy, was not their son. Then, in the same day, meeting their son, born 10 weeks early and struggling to survive, and falling in love with him.

I was amazed as Lincoln read to me at the depth of his emotion. His anger, and relief, his eventual understanding. Not only did Link learn how to support me, but I learned that part of the reason he does not show his emotions, is because frankly, one of us has to hold it all together, and Heaven knows it isn't going to be me.

Reading this book together was a wonderful bonding exercise for our family. We are more understanding of one another's passion for both adoption and for our children.

I would recommend this book to any couple who is in the midst of the adoption process- oh and of course, read it together.

Must See Movie

2009-08-20T11:35:00.001-07:00

Those of you who know me personally know that I DO NOT see movies, especially in the movie theatre. I consider being forced to sit in one place and hold still while watching lights move across a giant scree TORTURE!

So, it takes a pretty special movie to make me WANT to go to the movie theatre.

I think I will even hire a baby sitter and take my husband.

If you want to learn more click here.

Free Adoption Book Offer

2009-08-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hello Adoption Peeps- I got an email from adoption advocate and author Laura Christensen today. She is holding a fantastic promotion. I took advantage of this offer last year. I highly recommend both books, although the second takes some "translating" for LDS adoptive families. I am working on that right now, so watch for a post about that in the near future.

Here are the details.

Hope you're having a wonderful summer! To celebrate my wedding anniversary this Friday, I'm having a 1-day book bash on August 21. I did this last year, and it was wildly popular, so I thought, "Why not do it again?"

Here's how it works:

1. Buy The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting on Amazon.com.

2. Send me your Amazon proof-of-purchase, dated August 21, 2009, and your mailing address.

3. I'll mail you an autographed copy of The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System, absolutely free!

This is a $10 value, plus I pay the shipping on The Adoption Network.

Is there a catch?

Nope. Hundreds of people who have received free books from me during my periodic specials will attest to the fact that I'll send your free book promptly, and I won't hassle you with a bunch of unsolicited emails.

Both my books have a 5-star rating from Amazon reviewers.

Tell everybody about this special, 1-day offer, so they can stock up on free books:

Tell your adoption agency, social worker, or attorney.
Tell others you know who are considering adopting.
Tell your clergyperson...these books give any church that's considering starting an adoption ministry a jump-start.
Tell people who are looking for a gift to buy you.

Where to send your Amazon proof-of-purchase for The Adoption Decision:

E-mail it to me (or send it as an attachment) with "1-Day Sale" in the Subject line: laurachristianson@hotmail.com.

OR

Send it via snail mail to Laura Christianson, PO Box 1254, Snohomish, WA 98291-1254. I'll honor any Amazon proof-of-purchase for The Adoption Decision dated 8-21-09, as long as I receive it by 8-31-09.

Hope you enjoy your new books and please, write and tell me what you think of them.

PO Box 1254, Snohomish, WA 98291-1254, USA

Adoption Garage Sale

2009-07-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

Do you live in Utah? Do you have stuff hanging around your house that you don't need or want anymore? Do you love a good garage sale? Do you want to help Becky and Jeremy adopt? (of course you do!)

Becky and Jeremy are having a garage sale to help raise money for their adoption. To make sure that it is a great success, they are also taking donations of items that you no longer want. They will even come pick it up for you. (You know that box of stuff in your basement you've been meaning to take to Good Will/ DI for 7 months- they will happily take care of that for you!)

OR- if you really love a good garage sale, I am willing to bet that this is going to be a good one.

You can get the details on their blog.

Good Luck Becky and Jermey- can't wait to hear how it goes!

Photolisting Sites

2009-07-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are considering fos-adopt for a future adoption.

Because I like to put the cart before the horse when ever I can, I have started collecting photolisting sites. I know this is not a comprehensive list, so please help me add to it. The states listed under the sites are the states that the children are in, not necessarily, the states that the children are able to go to. Most of these sites will accept inquiries from any family in the state the child is residing in or families who have all ready completed their home study in any state.

The Adoption Exchange
Colorado, Missouri, Nevada, New Mexico, Oklahoma, South Dekota, Utah, Wyoming
Adopt Us Kids
All States- all states search-able at the same time from one location
Heart Gallery of America
All States and several states have many galleries, however, you do have to look at each one individually
Children Awaiting Parents
All states
Adopt America Network
You can also list your family for older children to view on this site!
Northwest Adoption Exchange
Alaska, Oregon, Idaho, Washington - must search each state individually
The Adoption Photolisting
All states
Wednesday's Child
All States

Many States Also have their own sites.

Arizona
Arkansas
California
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Indiana
Iowa
Kentucky
Maine
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Minnesota- Hennepin County
Missouri
Nebraska
Nebraska (focus on older kids)
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
Ohio (Several Counties in Ohio also have small photos listings.)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas (this page is actually a list of all Texas Heart Galleries)
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
West Virginia (notice children are off to the left hand side of page)
Wisconsin

Article: Raised in foster care, he didn't think he could be a dad; then he met Christian

2009-06-22T00:52:00.000-07:00

The big day has come: Rick Kelly is going to court to finalize his adoption of Christian, 7. As they get ready to go, Rick makes a final check of Christian’s attire. Rick and Christian have known each other since the boy was just 3 years old, when Rick’s own foster parents took in the abused boy.

By Lane DeGregory, Times Staff Writer
In Print: Sunday, June 21, 2009

A beautiful article about how a little boy chose his dad, a man who never thought he could be a father.

Book Review: Adoption is a Family Affair

2009-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know
by Patricia Irwin Johnston

My family has been very supportive of our efforts to adopt. They have expressed concerns at times, born sheerly out of love for us and lack of information, but they have always been hopeful for us. They have seen both to beautiful side of adoption, and the ugly side. They have encouraged us through the hard times.
That said, I think I will purchase a copy of this book and send it to them. I found it enlightening myself. It if full of resources to learn more about any adoption topic you can think of. At the end of every chapter is a list of books that deal with the chapter topic in greater depth. This book has dramatically increased my adoption reading list (as if it weren’t all ready way too long!)
For anyone who feels that they would like to better support their family or friends in their adoption journey, this is the book to read. For anyone who would like more support from their friends and family, this is the book to give them.

The book begins by helping family (it is particularly directed at the parents of potential adoptive parents) recognize and understand their own fears. From worrying that the child won’t fit into the family, to concerns over transracial adoption, and facing the unusual situation that is open adoption, this is where you start. Moving forward means coming to terms with your own fears. This first section will help your family do just that.
The next few chapters address the inherent pain that accompanies adoption. Because our family suffered through our hellish pregnancy with us, they also knew that all other children would join us through adoption. They grieved our strange form of infertility with us, so I had never considered what it must be like for a family to be faced with the sudden announcement that a child will join their family through adoption. They will not have had the same grieving period that the potential adoptive parents have had. They may not have even known that they were trying (and probably failed) to conceive. These chapters help family to understand why they may not feel the joy and excitement that their adopting family members would hope them to feel, and what to do about it. It also covers what to do and say if someone has all ready “blow it.”

The next chapter addresses the common myths that people may have about adoption and explains the adoption process, putting those myths to rest.

Other chapters explain how family members can help the potential adoptive parent or parents through every stage of the process. How to help them get ready, how to respect their privacy (what very little they have left) and how to celebrate their paper pregnancy. What to expect and how to help when the baby arrives. How the homecoming of an adopted baby is different than the homecoming of a biological baby and how to respect that.
One of the parts about the book that I liked the best is when the author talks about how family members and friends often think that because the new mother isn’t recovering from child birth that she doesn’t need the same kind of support. She revels that the emotional trial of adoption is just as fatiguing as child birth, and reminds family members that bringing a newborn home still entails a lack of sleep and some serious adjustments to life in general. She also talks about the need for the new adoptive parents to “circle the wagons” and be the ones holding the child nearly all of the time. This is to help facilitate initial bonding, as they have not had the benefit of a nine month pregnancy to bond with their baby. She suggests that taking care of the more day-to-day aspects of life for the couple (like cooking and laundry) is much more helpful to them then visiting to “hold the baby.” She also discusses the fact that may adoptive parents, both mother and fathers, still face the “baby blues” following adoption and that this is something family members should be aware of and support them through.
Following chapters go through what to expect if the child joining your family is not a baby, the issues they can have and how family can help them adjust. The author also discusses what adoption means for a child in each major life stage and what they will need from their extended family. One of the most important topics Johnston discusses is the need for privacy surrounding the child’s adoption story. She stresses that it is their story to share when they want and keep private when they want, and how family members can respect that.
Lastly, there is a chapter that deals with the rest of the world and adoption. How, to deal with obnoxious questions, how to advocate for adoption and how to educate people who are not yet enlightened about adoption.
This is a wonderful book to help family members and friends understand how they can best become part of the adoption experience and support the adoptive parents as well as the new addition to the family. Mom and Dad, be on the lookout for your very own copy!

Lovely Article in Real SImple Magazine

2009-06-19T20:06:00.001-07:00

Kate Simonson and her dad Mike Fieseler

Happy Father's Day

Kate Simonson writes about she and her brother were adopted as teens by "a man who used to date my mom." What a great story.

Read it online at Real Simple.

Adoption Voices

2009-06-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

There is a new place for all of us who have been touched by adoption to network, find support and offer solutions. Add it to your bookmarks and spend some time making new friends.

Book Review: Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

2009-06-05T00:47:00.000-07:00

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff

Let me preface this review by giving a little background on my own place in the world of adoption. I am a mother. I have a son who is 19 months old. He was not adopted, and so I am in the somewhat unusual situation of being both a mother and a hopeful adoptive mother, but not yet both a mother and an adoptive mother. If you want to know more about how I became both a mother and a hopeful adoptive mother at the same time, you may read here.

I really wanted to like this book. When I saw the title, I hoped that inside it I would find someone who has walked where I am walking. I hoped that I would find treasures of comfort and hope and connection. Those gems were not written into this book. What I found instead was permission, permission to acknowledge any feelings about adoption that I have. I did not however, find joy. If you are searching for a book relating both the difficulties and joys of becoming and being an adoptive mother, this is not the book for you.

If you are struggling with accepting your role as an adoptive mother, if you worry that your thoughts and feelings are not normal, and if you find reassurance in knowing that someone else has thought and felt those same disconcerting things, then you may readily connect with Jana.

This book is a memoir of one woman’s unique adoption journey. She did not find it a pleasant journey. It was fearful and mournful and draining. In each chapter she writes about the most haunting questions and trials of adoption, rarely pausing to revel in the miracle and the joy. I found her account depressing and agitating. She reveals in her author’s note at the end of the book “I have come to understand that many of my feelings -- especially toward birth parents -- stemmed from my own insecurities.” (p 165) I felt her insecurity throughout the book.

My situation and Jana’s situation are very different and perhaps that is why her book did not speak to me. It may be that this is just what other adoptive mothers need to read (and I would love to hear from some of you if you decide to read it.) You see, I will never face mourning my own infertility. Yes, I have had moments of sadness over the fact that we will never experience pregnancy and birth again, but then, the first time was horrible, so those moments are short lived. No, I will never have to wonder if the strange and silly things my adopted children do are a result of some primal pain they are suffering from, I’ve seen those behaviors in my son and his playmates. (By-the-way, Jana if you ever read this, my toddler eats like that too- like he’s never been fed in his life.) True, I have not yet gone through the joy and agony of placement, but I am conscious of it and trying to prepare for it (as best you can for something of such magnitude.) I’m sure my naivety in this area serves me well for the time being.

For me, it isn’t helpful to dwell on the negative aspects of adoption. Yes, I fully understand that adoption is a miracle born of pain and sorrow. I respect that, but I would prefer to learn how to facilitate healing. Yes, it is true that in a perfect world adoption would not exist, but we don’t live in a perfect world and thoughts like that are not useful to me. And yes, there will always be people who will use yours and your children’s adoption background to try to hurt you and to hurt them, but we all have challenges to face and differences to come to terms with. Instead of retaining and remembering that pain, I prefer to celebrate our differences and help others to do the same. Again, perhaps my naivety blinds me, only time will tell.

So, while this book was not for me, those adoptive mothers and hopeful adoptive mothers who struggle with their own thoughts and feelings toward adoption may relate well to this book. However, it does little to offer help toward resolution of those feelings or to uplift those who read it.

Agency Review Website

2009-06-02T23:55:00.000-07:00

If you are trying to select an agency, either as hopeful adoptive parents or as an expectant parent, you should visit this site. I sure wish we had before we selected our agency.

Adoption Agency Ratings

"Over 1200 adoption agencies and adoption attorneys are rated and reviewed by adoptive families, birth moms, first fathers and adoptees providing unbiased first hand experience."

They are in process of updating the site, so you can't currently register or add a review, but there is a lot of good information there.

The Day I Gave My Heart Away

2009-06-02T12:41:00.001-07:00

A birth mother shares her story with Adoptive Families Magazine and with us.

New Resource: Weaving Families - The Magazine

2009-06-01T12:46:00.001-07:00

Weaving Families - The Magazine

Weaving Families Adoption Ministry has just published their first issue of Weaving Families Magazine. It's a great adoption resource for adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents from all avenues of adoption, domestic, international, and foster care.

I recommend viewing it in the "paper" format. This is the way I found it most easy to read.

Support HR, 213- The Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act of 2009

2009-05-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

This bill will prevent the 2001 Adoption Tax Credit from expiring in 2010. This tax credit enables thousands of Americans to grow their families via adoption. Without it many families would not have the financial resources to bring their children home. Please click on the button above to learn how you can help make sure this credit will still be available to adoptive families after 2010.

Open Adoption in Canada

2009-05-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Birth Mothers

by Kim Gray in the Calgary Herald
Published: Monday, May 05, 2008

Raising Adopted Children - E-Booklet

2009-05-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

When you subscribe to Adoptive Families Magazine you get a free e-booklet, Raising Adopted Children, with some of the best articles of past issues.

This is the Table of Contents of that booklet. I particularly like the article about remembering Birth Fathers. Those of you who know me know that this is a topic close to my heart.

Adoptive Families also offers a great e-newsletter. Everyone should sign up for that as well. This week they reviewed adoption announcements and showed announcement samples from their staff. They also a collection of ideas from readers on how to plan and throw an adoptive baby shower.

USA Today Article on Open Adoption

2009-05-19T11:34:00.001-07:00

Struggling families look at adoption
in USA Today
by Wendy Koch

A look into a beautiful open adoption.

The Agony of Knowing

2009-05-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

I am an advocate for open adoptions. I believe that the heart wrenching pain that accompanies adoption is, at least partially, alleviated through transparency and communication. That said, I had never considered how a health care worker and a friend could also suffer from carrying the weight of such a secret.

Like many adoption stories, this one is bitter sweet. Yes, there was pain and loss, but it was tempered by a sweet reunion. And the weight of secrecy was finally and gratefully lifted.

Adoption in a Small Town ~

**The Agony of Knowing….**

Adoptive Families Magazine- June 2009

2009-05-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

I received my first issue of Adoptive Families Magazine in the mail a few days ago. I am very excited about this addition to our family adoption library. What a great resource! I highly recommend a subscription to anyone who is involved in adoption.

Some of my favorites from this issue:

Ask AF
A reader writes in to ask the AF experts how to explain to her daughter why her birth family has chosen to have very limited contact with her, while her brother's birth family has chosen to have a very open adoption.
This is something I have thought about myself. The response from Counselor Joni Mantell is helpful and insightful. She suggests ways to help a child realize that while different people express love in different ways, that doesn't mean that one loves you more than another. Birth families are the same, they may show their love differently, but they love you just the same.

About Time by Christina Clark
About a family who adopts their son out of the foster care system. This quote just melted my heart:

"I told him that I was his mama, not caring whether that was appropriate. Joseph's eyes met mine. He hugged me and beamed as if to say, 'It's about time!'"

Mother's Day Chocolate by Shelley Lowery

One mother-to-be's struggle with the annual Mother's Day celebration and her Mother's Day miracle.

". . .But this time I was crying the happiest tears I'd ever known. And in my arms, I held something sweeter than all the Mother's Day chocolate in the world."

New Resources I want to look into:

Adoption Grants:

giftofadoption.org
helpusadopt.org
nafadopt.org
showhope.org
parenthoodforme.org

Adoption Loans

achildwaits.org
freeloan.org
oxfordadoption.com
abbafund.org

Family Donation Sites

gotchagiftregistry.com
myregistry.com

Books I may want to read:

What Every Adoptive Parent Needs to Know: Healing your Child's Wounded Heart by Kate Cremer-Vogel and Dan and Cassie Richards.

Star of the Week: A Story of Love, Adoption, and Brownies with Sprinkles by Darlene Friedman and Roger Roth

What did you like?

Amazing Article, Amazing Response

2009-05-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of people out there who have a lot of negative things to say about adoption.
We will assume that they are simply uneducated.

Here is a beautiful example of an open adoption blessing all members of the adoptive triad (child, birth parents, adoptive parents.)

She's a mother, just not a parent

Open adoption is this family's path

By Luciana Chavez - Staff Writer

Published: Sun, May. 10, 2009 04:16AM

After you read the article, take a look at the comments. When the negative comments reared their ugly heads, those who know the great blessing that adoption can be stood up, spoke from personal experience, and hopefully enlightened a few minds. I know, if nothing else, they inspired me.

Book Review: Famiy Wanted- Stories of Adoption

2009-05-16T02:03:00.000-07:00

Family Wanted: Stories of Adoption
edited by Sara Holloway

I was happily touched by the book Family Wanted: Stories of Adoption edited by Sara Holloway. It is a collection of essays written by professional writers who have been touched by adoption in the most personal of ways.
There are three sections of the book, first essays written are written by people who were adopted as children. Some are sweet, some are confused, all are very real.
The essays written by birth mothers are next. For me these essays were poignant and heart braking. I felt reading these raw emotional essays increased my empathy significantly.
Last are the essays from adoptive parents. It was this section that I read as if it were water in a desert. To read of parents experiencing struggles similar to my husband and mines, of their determination and drive to build family, and finally of their sweet success was a balm to my frustrated heart.
Following is the conclusion of one of the adoptive mother’s essay:
“Yes, there were obstacles- but look how things turned out. I wake up in the morning- or should I say am awakened, like today- with you jumping onto my bed, clambering over me, and giving me a dimpled smile, then a big kiss. ‘Come on Mama,’ you demand, tugging at the covers. ‘Get up and make my breakfast.’ That smile and kiss are worth everything to me. (“Dear Djeneba” Meg Bortin.)

Book Review: A Love Like No Other- Stories from Adoptive Parents

2009-05-16T01:59:00.000-07:00

A Love Like No Other: Stories From Adoptive Parents
by Pamela Kruger (Editor), Jill Smolowe (Editor)

For those of us waiting, wishing, longing, there is something soothing and reassuring about hearing and reading the experiences of families whose wait is over. We long to hear that the miracle that we continually hope and pray for will come to pass. It strengthens our faith, reassures us that the Lord is listening, and lengthens our patience.

For those of you who have all ready welcomed miracle children into your families, you may enjoy rejoicing with others who understand the road you have traveled. You may also find comfort in the acknowledgment that despite the difficulty we go through in building a family through adoption, that road does not end with a placement and finalization. Nor is the continuing road always smooth and easily traversed. In addition to the usual ups and downs of parenting, those of us who are called to adoption will have an extra dimension to our family that we are responsible to help our children navigate. The authors of these essays share their children’s reaction to being adopted and how they, as parents, responded to those reactions.

A Love Like No Other: Stories from Adoptive Parents is a deep well of experiences that we can dip into when our own faith is diminished. It may serve well as a periodic “pick-you-up,” reading one essay at a time or you may read it as I did, obsessively over the course of two days, giving me a much needed infusion of hope and resolve.

Now, be forewarned, you may not only need a box of tissues, but you may also need an open mind. These essays are written by parents who adopted domestically and internationally, families who were joined by newborns and families who brought school age children and teens into their families, parents who honor their children’s native heritage and those who hardly acknowledge it. You may not agree with their decisions, with their philosophy, or even their way of life, but one thing is beyond discussion, these parent love their children with a fierce and binding love.

Each of us will react to each of these essays differently. We will each relate to the essayists in our own way. For me the experience of Amy Rackear in her essay “The Second Time Around” hit close to home and, although our situations are not entirely similar, her words and her story resonated with me, giving me the resolve to move forward during a difficult time in our own adoption journey.

The experiences recorded in this book are as diverse as the children we adopt. Somewhere within the pages of this book you are likely to find a family who has walked the road you are now facing, or has walked the road with you. Regardless, each of the stories will teach you something and increase your love for adoption.

Book Reveiw: The Adoption Decision - 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting

2009-05-16T01:54:00.000-07:00

The Adoption Decision - 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Laura Christianson

This book review will come with a disclaimer that this is the first adoption book I have read, so keep that in mind.

This is a Christian centered book. Christianson refers to it as a:

"how to for the heart"- a guide through the critical heart issues you'll encounter during the adoption process and after you bring home your child. (p. 10)

I've been married to the same man for 25 years and I can attest that biologically unrelated people possess the capacity to bond.

I must be insane

2009-05-15T18:30:00.001-07:00

I have become so passionate (obsessed?) about adoption. I want to share everything that I am learning, but I didn't feel like I had a good venue to do that. So, in a moment of insanity, I've started yet another blog.

Welcome to Adoption FYI

Perspective from the Center- Adoptees

2009-04-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

The Sought After
Salsa Is In Su Sangre - Alicia
Amanda
The Warrior Princess Diaries - Michele

We Honor Birth Parents Here

2009-01-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

If you are a birth parent and want to share your experience here please email me the address to your web site or blog.

adoptionfyi at gmail dot com

Listen to Birth Mother's tell their own stories
Birth Mother's 4 Adoption - a site for birth mothers by birthmothers

My Adoption Story
Amanda
Shelley
Jessalynn
Shea
Jennilee
Gina
Cambria
Jennilee
Kelsey
Cindy (video)
Desha (video)
Jennilee (video)
Jill

Miracle DO Happen

2009-01-16T14:16:00.000-08:00

If your family has been blessed through the miracle of adoption and you would like to share your miracle with us, please email me your name and the URL of your blog or web site.

adoptionfyi at gmail dot com

This Woman's Work
Flowers and Weeds

Peter and Linda
Brian and Leisha
Heidi
Cara and Jared
Holly and Chris
Jennifer
Megan and Shane
Meghan, Kenny, and Sam
Amanda and Derik
The Taylors
The Warrior Princess Diaries - Michelle
Not Sugar Coated

Prospective Adoptive Families

2009-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

If you are hoping to adopt and would like your name and blog or profile added to this list, please email me your names and the URL of your blog or profile.

adoptionfyi at gmail dot com

Aranne and Dan

Marisa and Imran
Linda and Peter
The Whitty Family (adopted)
Leisha and Brian
Sharon and Jacob (adopted)
Andrea and Josh
Angee and Robby
Camie and Michael (adopted)
Sarah and Alex (adopted)
Cara and Jared
Laura and Paul (adopted - incredible story!)
Theresia and Kurt
Kendra and Don
Michelle and Bill
Bonnie and Rick (adopted)
Meghan and Kenny (adopted)
Chantel and Brian
Elizabeth and Jeff

Jeremy, Leslie and Emmy and Reese (adopted)